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The worst card of 2009, contestant #5 (and #6)

Setting the scene:

When: Several months ago.
Where: Inside a windowless, featureless building high above the card collecting drones.
Who: A low-level Upper Deck boss, in charge of the photographs for the 2,500-card Upper Deck 20th anniversary monstros ... er, retrospective, talking to a UD lackey.
What: A discussion of the selection of a certain photo for the set.

Let's listen in:

Boss: Hey, how are we coming on the photographs for our Retrospective set?
Lackey: Great, boss, almost have them all picked out.
Boss: I want these photos to be sharp, I want them to sparkle. I want them to tell stories and sing songs about the last 20 years.
Lackey: Oh, that they do. That they do.
Boss: For instance, what have you selected for our card on the 1992 World Champion Toronto Blue Jays, the first team from outside the United States to win the World Series?
Lackey: It's a great picture, boss. Just great.
Boss: Well, what is it? Is it a photo of Joe Carter celebrating after receiving the throw from pitcher Mike Timlin to record the last out of the Series?
Lackey: No.
Boss: Is it a photo of Jimmy Key's great Game 6 performance? Or maybe split shots of Key and his worthy rival that night, Charlie Liebrandt?
Lackey: Um, no.
Boss: Is it a photo of Devon White's great backhand catch against David Justice in Game 3?
Lackey: No, it's not that either.
Boss: Is it a photo of Ed Sprague, hitting a 2-run home run in the ninth inning of Game 2?
Lackey: Nope.
Boss: Geez, is it an overhead photo of the Skydome?
Lackey: No.
Boss: The Toronto Blue Jays logo?
Lackey: No.
Boss: Well, I give up, what the hell is it?
Lackey: It's a picture of Dave Winfield.
Boss: Oh, Dave Winfield! Of course! He was a key player on that team. Is it a photo of him hitting that two-run double in the top of the 11th inning in Game 6 to put the Blue Jays ahead for good?
Lackey: Nah.
Boss: Well, what is it? Is he swinging at the plate? Gunning a runner down in the outfield? Signing a huge contract with the Yankees and then tanking in the 1981 World Series? Drilling a seagull in the head with his throw?
Lackey: No, nope, nada, negatory.
Boss: Is it a photo of the seagull?
Lackey: Sorry, no.
Boss: Well, for the love of all that is not Topps, please show me the photo!
Lackey: Here you go.

Boss: I love it! It's static. It's boring. It looks like he's headed for the county lock-up for the night. Great stuff. Do you mention Winfield on the back?
Lackey: Nope.
Boss: Great. Do you identify him any manner?
Lackey: Nope.
Boss: Wonderful. I think our job here is done.
Lackey: Wait, there's one other photo I want you to see. It's of Tony Gwynn.
Boss: Great. Is he running awkwardly with his eyes closed?
Lackey: Yup.
Boss: Is his face in the shadows?
Lackey: Sure is.
Boss: Terrific job. Collectors are going to eat this set up.

(Ladies and gentlemen, contestants number 5 and 6 in the "worst card of 2009" contest. Rob, the cards are headed your way. Hope you still want them).


steveisjewish said…
well done - I hate this entire set
Steve Gierman said…
And apparently, Mr. Bird Killer is standing inside Comiskey Park, which would have made slightly more sense on the 1993 team that faced the White Sox in the playoffs. By then Mr. Bird Killer was on the Twins, so nothing about this card makes sense.
deal said…
Way to work in the seagull.

Brilliant post!
Doubleplay said…
As a Jays fan I hate the photo on the card, but as a Jays fan I love the fact that the are celebrating the Jays in their lame 20th anniversary set.
zman40 said…
Great post! I got a good chuckle out of reading that. I even picture boss with a cigar.
AdamE said…
The only good thing about Upper Decks's 2000 card filler crap monstrosity is that this year they won't all be Yankee cards.
Anonymous said…
Remember, there's actually five different versions of that card with the same picture, including one with the slogan "Backstop wins 1992 WS MVP award." Winfield was the MVP, but I always thought "backstop" refered to a catcher. Another one say "Toronto wins first World Series," or something equally lame.

I never thought I'd wish for more YSL cards, but this 20th anniversary set has done it.
skoormit said…
I actually passed up a blaster of UD series 2 yesterday at Target precisely because of how annoying these cards are.
Motherscratcher said…
I love love love love fake conversation posts. This one is a classic (And not because it subtly implies that Bruce Springsteen and John Lackey used to work for Upper Deck). I have to do another one of these type of posts.

Well done good sir.

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