We don't exist

I'm sorry, Pete, but you're going to have to put away those packs of 1981 Fleer. I'm glad you're sitting down, because I have some bad news for you. (Deep breath) OK, here it is:

You don't exist anymore.

That's right. And, what's more, I don't exist either. Neither do all those card bloggers out there, the collectors who post on message boards, the bidders we compete against on eBay, the autograph seekers at ballgames, and the shoppers in the card aisles in the retail stores. We're all extinct. Barry Zito? Sorry, Pete, he doesn't really collect his own cards. It's a sham.

How do I know? I read it in an Associated Press story on Saturday.

The story was about those soon-to-be-released PopCardz, yet another card issue featuring Hollywood celebrites (yawn!). But this time the cards are officially sanctioned by the celebrities themselves. The article was written in a fawning manner, as AP stories often are, and made PopCardz sound like it was something that had never been done before, that it was the latest, greatest, ground-breaking trend. Getting the celebrities to sanction their own cards is a new twist, but celebrity cards have been around for decades, if not longer.

But never mind that. This is the second paragraph of the story that got my attention:

"A new line of celebrity trading cards -- yes, like the little cardboard ones baseball fans used to hoard -- officially sanctioned by the stars is being launched by entertainment product company A-List Global Media."

USED TO? Meaning we DON'T anymore? When did baseball fans stop collecting and hoarding cards? Did I miss the day that was banned?

Am I in some sort of clandestine, underground society that the rest of the world doesn't know about? Or maybe I'm buying, sending and receiving cards while in some other dimension. Maybe I'm in a parallel card universe! Does the mailman who delivers me the cards really exist? Are Wal-Marts and Targets really mirages? Are the checkout people really PEOPLE?

AP, stop talking like that. You're freaking me out. And Pete, too.