I have decided that I would make a terrible coach.
I already knew that I would make a lousy teacher. Knew that a long time ago. I neither have the ability nor the patience. But even with the added benefit of teaching a topic I love -- sports -- coaching doesn't interest me.
The worst part for me would be cutting players, or telling them that they have to sit the bench, and then watching them ... sit.
I have some small inkling of the way that would feel every time I update my Allen & Ginter mini frankenset binder. There are cards I "cut" from the binder all the time, and it's very difficult to let some of them go.
Recently, Adam from My Cardboard Mistress sent me a bunch of A&G minis along with some other cards that I'll show later. I couldn't wait to see which ones made the binder, and I full expected to engage in a little cardboard mourning for the ones who would hear "we're going to have to let you go."
What I didn't expect was to get so worked up over the fact that I wanted to cut some cards, but couldn't. You see, Adam, in his diabolical, sciencey brain way, decided to turn this ritual into sheer agony, in which I continually reminded myself of the annoying players still in the frankenset binder.
But we'll get to that in a minute.
First, here are the cards that made it into the binder without a fight:
Very happy to have you on the team. OK, I barely know who some of you are. But ... get out there and play!
Now, here are the ones who were shoved into a cage, forced to fight until the death, and either celebrated joyous victory or whose vanquished carcass was dragged out of the arena.
#9 - 2012 Yonder Alonso vs. 2008 Ian Kinsler
Winner: Kinsler. A present-day Padre isn't winning anything in any little show that I'm running, weird black-border or not. Besides, the '08 minis are the best ever.
#45 - 2011 Annika Sorenstam vs. 2008 Justin Morneau
Winner: Sorenstam. You may think a ballplayer should always beat a golfer. But if you think like that, you're probably buying Gypsy Queen. The Morneau card is one of those annoying horizontals and the image of Morneau is slightly larger than the chances of drawing a walk against Adam Wainwright. Annika has a home.
#56 - 2011 Scott Kazmir vs. 2010 Shin Soo-Choo
Winner: Kazmir. Angels dud beats out new Reds sensation. I ain't apologizing. I like the composition notebook borders.
#82 - 2012 Giancarlo Stanton vs. 2008 Jayson Nix
Winner: Stanton. This is the gold-border version, although it doesn't look gold at all in the scan. And Nix is a Yankee now. So, bleah.
#145 - 2011 Victor Martinez vs. 2012 Drew Storen
Winner: Storen. A second ago, Martinez was the winner. But I changed my mind. I think the red glove swayed me.
#323 - 2012 Ryan Roberts vs. 2011 Orlando Hudson
Winner: Hudson. Roberts is the poster child for major leaguers having too much time and too much money. When you're tattooing your hands, you have too much of both.
#1 - 2008 Alex Rodriguez vs. 2011 Carlos Gonzalez
Winner: Gonzalez. This is where Spankee started getting cute. There is no way A-Rod is kicking off my frankenset binder.
#158 - 2012 Melky Cabrera vs. 2010 Mark Teixeira
Winner: Teixeira. Ugh. See what I mean? Can't I just boot both out of the binder and start fresh with a blank pocket? Where are the frankenset official rules?
I let Teixeira stay because of this:
#168 - 2012 Jason Kipnis vs. 2008 Melky Cabrera
Winner: Cabrera. Yes, there is no way there was going to be two Cabreras (unless his first name is Miguel) in my binder. I kept the black-bordered one because the '08 black borders rule.
#180 - 2012 Tim Federowicz vs. 2012 Tim Federowicz
Winner: Federowicz. Congratulations, Federowicz, you've made the team. I'm sorry, Federowicz, I'm gonna have to cut ya.
I already have a destination or two in mind for the cards that didn't make the cut. Most are headed to a fellow frankensetter, mr haverkamp.
As for the rest of the cards that made it, a little message: play out there like you're trying to win your job because you never know when I'm going to cut you loose.
Heh. This didn't turn out to be as painful as I thought it would be. In fact, I kind of like the power.
Yup, I feel like a coach now.