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Unwanted Topps gold inserts? We pay top dollar


What would you do if someone HANDED you a LOAD OF CASH???

Are bills piling up?

Can't find the money for your next sneaker payment?


Gold is worth more than ever!

And we're paying TOP DOLLAR!!!

We're the ToppsGoldInserts4Cash Experts! Located at Main Street and Sycamore, next to the liquor store and across from Quiznos, we offer higher prices than ANY of our competitors!!!

We'll buy ANYTHING!!!

Unwanted Mickey Mantle gold inserts!!!

An Ernie Banks insert that you never look at anymore!!!

We'll even take your broken inserts and turn them into CASH!!!!

Come on! You've got all these gold inserts just laying around the house!!

(*Testimonial from a young woman who looks like she just got out of a dysfunctional relationship, but doesn't look like she's reading off a cue card AT ALL: "I handed in my Derek Jeter gold insert given to me by my first husband one month ago ... and I GOT CASH!!!!!!!)

That's right! We'll give you cash for your LAME JETER INSERTS!!!

We pay you the best possible prices for ALL of your lame Topps gold inserts, scrap Topps gold inserts, even those scrap gold coins that Topps is trying to pawn off on collectors! We buy it ALL!!!!

Some companies pay you only one-third of the value of your belongings. But we understand what these gold inserts are worth to you. We'll pay you for them in one business day!!!

So come on down to our convenient location. Our gold experts will meet you in one of our private, secure booths. Satisfaction guaranteed! ... Or host a gold inserts party in your home!! In front of witnesses!!!!

What are you crazy? Don't get ripped off putting your Topps gold inserts through the mail!!! You may never see your money or your inserts again!!!!

Come on down to Main Street and Sycamore! Across from Quiznos!!!!!!

It's easy.

Or go to:



(Disclaimer: This is not a real commercial or a real offer. I don't want your stupid gold inserts, keep your dirty gold inserts to yourself. Yes, I really ripped up an Alex Rodriguez gold insert. I told you I'd do something nasty to the card. It's lucky that's all I did).


Cool Breeze said…
Tooooooo Funny...and thanks for ripping the Payrod,hate him.
On another note,i'll take all of your Ryans!!!!
hiflew said…
This is one of the funniest blog posts I have ever seen. "next to the liquor store and across from Quiznos" just had me rolling.

BTW, in my town next to the liquor store and across from Quizno's is Hooters. Also filled with shiny stuff that deep down isn't real. Bazinga.
Jason said…
That was hilarious. And probably the only 2012 Topps post I've read all the way to the end of.
Spankee said…
Thanks for this post. I hadn't urinated on myself in quite a while.

Sometimes I wonder why I blog at all. I could probably improve my blog by not posting and just having a link to yours.
Awesome. Really funny. I can just see the cheesy, poorly produced commercial now.
carlsonjok said…
Those gold commercials always struck me as being a rip-off. But, since both you and Glenn Beck are journalists, and you both are recommending them, they must be legit.
Stealing Home said…
"it's lucky that's all i did"...LOL
super funny stuff, bro. well done.

...and no, i won't forget about willie.
I feel better now. Laughter really is the best medicine.
Dhoff said…
Ha! I'm going to be rich, yo! You're the bomb, Nightowl. Had to share this masterpiece with the wife.
I saw a Mike Trout in that stack.
Kev said…
even though i don't share your enmity, i do think this was a great read... funny stuff!
Eric L said…
Brilliant. +1 to infinity!
TheHitKing said…
@nightowl- You SOB! I love it! i actually thought you were pullin' some sort of voodoo "give me your topps" bull S! After i read it i was laughin pretty solid. Then when I saw the ripped in half A-rod I was PUMPED! ripping, a rod in half is awesome. Do you think the german doctors can rehab it?
Has to be one of the top posts of all time !!
All you need is Crazy Eddie doing the voice-over.
Matt Runyon said…
Funny -- five minutes ago I opened my first pack of 2012 Topps and the Clemente cards was in it.
Jason T. Carter said…
Um, the link to the website doesn't work. I checked and double-checked my spelling.

JT ..:..
Stealing Home said…
LOL to JT. ummmmmmm....

its laugh out loud funny to read some of you fellow blogo's comments.

wish i could write that comedy stuff. n.o., ummmm....u outta get a gig like writing or something.
The Gooch said…
It was a funny post until I saw the torn up ARod insert. (Single Tear Down Cheek)