All right, everyone is all apoplectic over Ichiro suddenly becoming a Yankee.
I'm just not that upset about it.
If you're a Mariner fan, then, yes, I'm sorry. I understand. For you, it's awful. Just horrible, disgraceful, unthinkable, galling, gagging, repulsive, puke-inducing, nasty, crushing, hurtful, agonizing, gross, dehumanizing, shameful, inexcusable and rotten.
But if you're not, then, really, things could be worse.
How much worse?
Well, off the top of my head, I came up with 10 or so players who I would have much more of a problem seeing in a Yankee uniform than Ichiro.
Suzuki is practically an icon and very good at what he does. But, let's face it, he's 38, and he's not the player he once was. If the Yankees want to try to capture 2001 in a bottle for a half a year, then, fine, knock yourself out, New York. I hope you fail.
But these guys? No, I do not want these guys to appear as Yankees. Or I might have to start watching cricket.
10. Albert Pujols: This wouldn't be as devastating to me now as it would be just a year ago. I don't hold Pujols in as high esteem as I did when he was with the Cardinals. I despise the Angels and the whole way in which he left the Cardinals is still fishy and unseemly to me. So, if he went to the Yankees now, yeah, I could kind of see how he'd fit in, and it'd only make me sick to my stomach for a week or so. But then I'd realize that Mark Teixeira was out of a job and I'd be thrilled.
9. Chris Carpenter: Carpenter has always rubbed me the wrong way because of his hyper competitive nature. But he's on the Cardinals, a team that I pay little attention to that gets very little air time where I am. So I can ignore him. If he was with the Yankees, I couldn't ignore him. Because everything Yankees has to be in everyone's face all the time. And I could not cope with Carpenter's grousing and grumping and yelling in my face. I'd have to move to Turkey.
8. R.A. Dickey: This is the difference between the Mets and the Yankees. R.A. Dickey on the Mets is a heart-warming, against-all-odds, isn't-he-swell, best-selling story. On the Yankees, I would be beaten over the head with this story in the most self-serving way possible. Dickey wouldn't be just a knuckle ball pitcher. He would be The Man Who Invented The Knuckle Ball to zillions of Yankee fans. I'd have to listen to Michael Kay explain to viewers how a knuckle ball moves as if no one had ever figured it out before. (*shiver*)
7. Mike Trout (or Andrew McCutchen or any young phenom): One thing about the Yankees that I'm thankful for is their acquisitions usually involve veteran players whose best years possibly could be behind them (exception -- ahem, Tigers -- Curtis Granderson). I can't imagine the torture if the Yankees were to acquire someone like Trout and I'd have to hear odes about his wonderfulness for 20 years. It'd be like Derek Jeter, except someone even more talented.
6. Justin Verlander: Verlander's probably the face of major league pitching today. I don't want that face wearing pinstripes. I nearly lost a lung when CC Sabathia came to the Yankees. I'm over that now, just because I could never stop laughing at his baggy pants. But Verlander? Verlander is too cool to get involved in that mess.
5. Stephen Strasburg: Are you sick of hearing about how many pitches Strasburg has thrown this year? Imagine hearing about it every waking hour, every time you let out the dog, every time you sat on the toilet, every time you walked into a building, every time you breathed in and out, and you'd have some sort of idea of what it would be like if Strasburg was on the Yankees.
4. Josh Hamilton: With Hamilton on the verge of free agency, I have this horrible feeling in the back of my head that this could actually come true. The most talented player in all of baseball a member of the Yankees. The sickening tours through the batting lineup in which someone with 42 home runs is batting seventh. I'd have to call in sick every day of baseball season. Please re-sign with Texas, Josh.
3. David Ortiz: I'm still from the old school where the Red Sox are good and the Yankees are evil. I'm still not over seeing Wade Boggs in a Yankee uniform and haven't forgiven him for that. And keep in mind, I'm not even a Red Sox fan. The face of the Red Sox should never be a Yankee. Even though Ortiz is getting along in his career, he's still The Red Sox to me and hearing about the Yankees acquiring him might possibly cause my brain to split in two.
2. Clayton Kershaw and Matt Kemp: Either one appearing in Yankee attire would be equally horrific. I can't separate the two in terms of levels of monstrosity that such an evil pact would produce. In fact, I can barely imagine the thought in my head. It's just too ... too ... never mind. It will never happen. It CAN'T happen. Make it go away!!!
1. Jim Thome: Everything that is good and right in the major leagues today on the Yankees? This would truly be a sign of the apocalypse. Stock up on your canned goods and ammunition if this should ever happen.
It COULD be worse.
But, Ichiro, please, get out of there before 2013, while you're still likable. And I can still keep down solids.