Friday, June 3, 2011
Are you pondering? There's no pondering in baseball!
I've mentioned before that these Emotion cards from the mid-90s might be the most mockable (what? It's a word) cards ever made. Emotion is just lucky that my brothers and I were well past our childish years by 1995 or we would have tarred and feathered its ass with its ridiculous cards.
I mean "Pondering"?
There's no pondering in baseball!
This is not a poetry reading.
This is not a letter to grandma from camp.
This is BASEBALL.
I am as certain about this as I am about fruit not being a dessert: pondering NEVER happens in baseball. Not even after a game when a reporter asks a super in-depth question (what? It happens). The modern player has been so programmed by PR people that they don't even pause for a scintilla of a second to produce an original word when they respond.
Nope, there is definitely no pondering in baseball. You have never seen a player, on the field, tilt his head, look upward, furrow his brow, and ponder. Todd Worrell is not doing that. He is either checking out the bitchin' copter high in the distance or wondering if the chick with the yellow top in the upper deck is waving to him.
But that is WONDERING. Not PONDERING.
No, the closest you are ever going to get to pondering is when a guy who writes a blog about baseball cards gets a stack of cardboard from Spiegel of Nomo's Sushi Platter and overanalyzes the hell out of them.
Maybe that's not even pondering. But it's closer than any baseball player could ever come.
But I'll let you decide for yourself:
Are collectors really dumb enough to try to complete these things? I have 6 or 7 of the Sheffields. They have not triggered my inner addicted self in the least.
Why did Select zero in on Wilton Guerrero's face like he's a serial killer?
Where did Souvenir City go? Is he still with ESPN? I don't watch ESPN anymore, so I don't know.
Is it really possible to run like this?
I know it's possible to run like this. But outside of track meet, why would you do it?
Has anyone actually played a game with MLB Showdown cards?
And why does the 2000 MLB Showdown card look so much cooler than these 2003 MLB Showdown atrocities? Aren't card sets supposed to get progressively cooler?
Why was it awesome in the mid '90s to picture each player as if in the midst of nuclear fallout?
A card from something called Legends Sports Memorabilia. Is this the coolest card from the early '90s?
This is a mini Fleer card. Do autograph seekers actually offer mini cards for signing? And if so, are players insulted?
I just answered my own question. I have a signed version of this mini card. I have it on good authority that Kirkpatrick was not insulted.
Why does the "On this date" writeup sound so violent in French? Something about Lynn McGlothen reusing three retreads with a nine-lance baton and a machete. Yikes.
Why do I always get cards like this immediately after I have just signed up for a group break involving the very same set?
Oh, ponder, ponder.
All right, I know what you're thinking. All of the above is strictly wondering, rather than pondering. And you're betting that I already know some of the answers to the proposed questions.
Fine, I'll try a little pondering with this card:
(*pauses for a moment*)
(*scans the ceiling*)
(*emits a sigh*)
(*a tear forms at the corner of the eye*)
(*he begins to say something, but no*)
(*something about "alas" and "alack"*)
(*ah. but wait. ... A thought breaks the surface ...*)
WHY IS IT THAT I GET A CARD LIKE THIS AND THINK I ALREADY HAVE IT AND THEN GO TO MY 1991 BINDER FOR SOMETHING UNRELATED, PROBABLY TO MAKE FUN OF THE CARDS FROM THAT YEAR, AND I SUDDENLY REALIZE THAT I DON'T HAVE THIS CARD, NOR DO I HAVE SEVERAL OF THE OTHER 1991 LEAF DODGERS, AND THEN I HAVE TO PUT '91 LEAF ON MY WANT LIST AND FEEL SHAME AND REMORSE FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK. WHY DOES THAT ALWAYS HAPPEN?
I guess that's not pondering.
I told you there's no pondering in baseball.
There is no time for pondering.
It's all about baseball.
And copters and chicks.
But mostly baseball.