Posting a trade ... for those who can't

Have you read this post? It's a tragic tale of a blogger who really, really wants to do a trade post, but can't. Heartbreakingly, he doesn't have access to a scanner. Well, he does, but he is forced to "sneak scans." Can you believe that? Aren't you thankful now that you own a scanner in the privacy of your own home while those less fortunate go scannerless at night?

But throughout that aching post, the blogger remains thankful. He appreciates the cards he receives in trades and it has peaked his interest in trading again. It turns from tragic to heartwarming.

After reading it, I couldn't help myself from doing what I must do. I must produce a trade post. FOR THOSE WHO CAN'T.

Yes, I am on a mission of mercy. And it involves cardboa ... well, whatever they make cards from these days.

And who better to start with than the author of that inspirational post, than Cardsplitter himself. Yes, he done did send me some cards.

Among those sent were a number of Upper Deck Timeline needs. That is one of those sets that I'm collecting in a really casual way. I may complete it someday. I may learn to ride a unicycle someday. But I'm not getting all flustered about The When.

Funny story: A few days after receiving this Ramirez Timeline card, I received another one. I know. Wackiness.

One more Timeline for the road. I only show this because I think every other card I pulled in 2008 was Joey Votto. How I didn't have this card is something kids will study in textbooks for the next 100 years. Well, they won't have textbooks in a 100 years. Instead, history lessons will be implanted in every child's brain at birth and they'll have all the knowledge they need while they're still in diapers, because that, dear readers, is improving society. Or something.

Here is a shiny refractor replica of Duke Snider's 1954 Topps card from '02 Topps Archives RESERVE. I musn't forget the RESERVE. It's been added for extra confusion. So make sure it gets in there.

The back has a cartoon that says: "Like most ballplayers, Duke is superstitious! He feels that the old practice swing brings him good luck and is responsible for his great hitting in 1954." I don't know what the "old practice swing" is. Doesn't every ballplayer take practice swings? If every player takes one, doesn't it negate the whole "luck" thing? It's like saying walking gives you luck. "Ha! Look at that person walking! He's so superstitious."

These are fancy Topps Tribute cards from 2001. You probably knew that, but I didn't because I lack super fancy card shops in my area. I'm forever reading on the blogs about people "swinging by" the card shop, like they're going to the grocery store or the post office. I have never once "swung by" a card shop. I have made the Thorough, Trepidatious, Have We Packed Enough Food For The Trip visit to the card shop. But "swinging by" never happens.

Which explains why I never get my hands on fancy cards like these.

That's all I'm going to show from Cardsplitter, but I'm going to keep going here, because there are others who can't produce trade posts, people! Aren't you LISTENING?

I must go on.

These are some cards from Smed's Cards. The very busy Smed, who I like to call "Scott," contacted me about this card:

He asked if I would like to enjoy it. I replied that I most certainly would like to enjoy it at a time and place of my choosing. Then I realized that what I sent sounded questionable and shame washed over me.

Still, Scott sent me the card. Lordy, '08 Topps relics were shaped weirdly, weren't they? What is that, a slice of bread? Did Topps have a stealth sponsorship agreement with the Wonder people? And do people eat Wonder Bread anymore? Can you even buy it in the grocery store? Is Wonder Bread really bread?

Um, where was I?

Oh, yes, mission of mercy.

More relic greatness from Smed. I know you pickier people see a PED-stained reliever and a gray swatch. I am definitely not a pickier person. It's why I have junk wax needs on my want list. If you don't like that, go find a high-faluttin' card blog. What? They do too exist.

This card should be burned because it is evidence that Charles Johnson was traded to the Dodgers. See? It says so right there all foil-y and fancy-like. There is no disguising it. The Dodgers TRADED for Johnson. The Marlins didn't pull up a truck to Dodger Stadium in the middle of the night and dump Johnson on the ownership's doorstep. The Dodgers TRADED for him. Because they were desperate for someone to hit .217 for them.

You must enjoy a card of a sweat-soaked player signing baseballs. It's almost as good as ... hey, lady! Lady! You're on a baseball card! Yes, you! You're right there! Just to the left of Hollandsworth's head! Yes! Isn't it exciting?

Scott also sent a couple of '09 Topps Chrome needs. These two guys happen to be two of Yankees fans' most favorite players ever. It's true. I asked them. I said, "Who are your favorite current players today?" I totally expected them to say "Jeter" or "Teixeira," whereupon I would vomit. But instead they said "that young Jose Reyes fellow. He's soooo exuberant. And Mr. Beckett up in Boston. What a challenging competitor he is, I must say."

OK, they didn't say that. They just flipped me off.

I'm just showing this card so you'll think you're on The Greatest 21 Days blog. It's all I can think of when I see these cards now. And then I have to go look up whether they made it to the major leagues or not, instead of waiting for Steve78 to come around to the player. In fact, I just looked up Tim Scott because I have no patience. It turns out he had a long career (not with the Dodgers) and I should have remembered it. But I didn't because he played in 276 games and started none of them and I have a bias against relief pitchers because THEY AREN'T REAL PITCHERS, AND THERE, IT'S OUT, FINALLY, ALL OF MY FEELINGS AND FEARS.

I'm sorry. I scared you. I'm calm now.

Goldy Garciaparra. It's a little known fact that Mia calls Nomar "Goldy." I'm not going to tell you why. It's private. Between two consenting adults. Mind your own beeswax.

Smed also sent me an Andre Ethier relic card, which shockingly, I already had. I don't know how that's possible considering my Non-Picky-State, but it happened.

So, I'm showing this card instead:

I didn't get this card in a trade at all. I went out and bought it. I started getting jealous over everyone's '53 Topps cards and I had to get at least one Dodger for myself. But of course, I won't be able to stop at just one. Because cards are like potato chips, except much more expensive. And you don't want to eat a potato chip from 1953.

Thanks, Scott, for these cards and the night cards (which had a suspicious Braves theme). I'm sure some of the other card will show up on the blog at some point.

But not now, because the mission continues.

The next group of cards are from Don of Tiger Sportscards and Other Ramblings. Everything that Don sent was 1977 in nature, which is OK by me because I am beginning the quest for 1977 cards.

I know what you're saying: But there's no want list! Yes, I know. That's because I'm in "give me everything you got" mode right now. Most of my '77 cards aren't even fit for a baby to suck on (I have no idea where I got that image), so I'll take all of your Very Good-to-Excellent garbage.

Much of Don's "garbage" came in Yankee form. There is the terrific airbrushed Gullett card. He looks absolutely crest-fallen that he was either A) airbrushed or B) a Yankee. I'm going with "all of the above."

Here are some more '77 Yankees, including the first solo Ron Guidry card. Everytime I see a Ron Guidry card, I ask "How did you get mixed up with those bozos?" But he doesn't answer. Too busy being a Yankee or trying to avoid a baby sucking on his card, or something.

I have this card. But it's in pathetic shape, and a card this awesome should not be pathetic. This is decidedly unpathetic.

Same with this card. I have a version of this checklist in which you can see only two-thirds of it. The other one-third has gone to that great cardboard in the sky.

By the way, how come they can't show bat boys because of legal reasons on today's baseball cards, but they had no problem doing it then? Did all the bat boys get lawyers?

Final card from Don. But only because "He's Keith Hernandez." No, not, Don. Keith. At least I don't think Don is Keith. If he is, it's very clever, calling himself Don and rooting for the Tigers and all. I never suspected it for a second.

The last group of cards in this mercy mission are from Greg of Plaschke, Thy Sweater Is Argyle, which is a terrific blog name and blog. There was once a time when I respected Plaschke. And then I didn't. And then he started appearing on that ESPN show that I still can't remember the name of with people like Woody -- sorry, I refuse to mention his last name -- and all hope was lost. Literally. ESPN took all my hope and stomped on it.

Greg sent a whole mess of these 1996 Fleer Team Wax cards, which I didn't know existed until ... uh, right now. I remain so ill-informed about the 1990s. Even after two years on this blog. I still can't tell you what a Chumbawamba is.

Look, 1996 Finest heard that I was clueless about the '90s and decided to rub it in a little. This has to be the most confusing set known to man. You can't explain it to me. I need someone to come to my house with charts and graphs and overhead projectors and other ancient teaching methods of my school days. It has to be explained in every day 1970s English, which means you must say "dy-no-MITE" every third sentence.

Yes, '96 Finest, I agree that you're intimidating. That's enough out of you.

Greg sent me this card as a variation on the night card theme, although I don't think 5:04 p.m. is considered "night" anywhere in the world. I could say a lot of mean things about this card that would probably get this blog shut down, so I won't. I'll only say that when I see this card now, I get that song stuck in my head that they now use to sell lousy lime-flavored beer. I liked that song. Then they ruined it. They poured piss beer all over it.

Last card. I'm ending it with a Pinnacle Aficionado, just because it's preposterous. Why? I'm shocked you even have to ask.

And now my mission is complete.

You probably think I'm caught up on trades now. Nope. I still have like seven or eight to go. I didn't do this to get caught up on trade posts, you cynical people. I did it to help out people who can't post trades. Weren't you paying attention?

I'm not doing this for my health.

Yes, my mom used to say that all the time.

(P.S., Cardsplitter, you're welcome).