One messed up crystal ball

I am stumped.

This fourth blog bat around topic has me baffled. Flummoxed. Bamboozled. Clueless.

The topic takes us into the future. What card or set, regardless of scandal, tragedy or crisis that may befall said player, team, set or company, will have value in 10 years? What is an absolute buy and hold?

Gosh, I don't know. If I knew that I'd play the stock market, rather than run screaming the other way everytime someone mentions annuities. I'd be a prospector and know exactly who the heck all these fresh-scrubbed kids with the odd names are. Did I ever mention that one year ago I had no idea who David Price was? Yeah, I'm not the guy you want to turn to for advice on oil futures.

As for valuable? That ship has sailed, brothers and sisters. Once upon a time, I knew the value of every single one of my baseball cards. There were tiny little price-tag stickers affixed to each nine-pocket sheet, categorizing and quantifying the value of each and every card. But I don't think about value much these days. Asking about the value of cards now is asking me to enter a room I haven't been in for a long time. I don't know my way around anymore.

So I'm left with only one recourse: taking the question and presenting what I think might happen if I looked through one messed up crystal ball. That ball tells me these will be the most valuable cards 10 years from now:

News item: July 27, 2009. Henderson's stream-of-consciousness Baseball Hall of Fame induction speech lives in infamy.

What happens: Rickey Henderson gives a colorful speech that borders on the bizarre, offends many fans and Hall of Famers and is the stuff of Internet legend. His speech is played so often on youtube that the site shuts down for an entire year because of its inability to handle all the traffic. Henderson's popularity skyrockets. He appears on countless television programs and even a decade after the speech remains a cult hero across all walks of life.

Why this card is valuable: It's the rookie card of a cult hero. Duh!

News item: November 12, 2017. Evan Longoria attacks belligerent fan with baseball bat.

What happens: One fan too many calls Longoria "Eva." Longoria, now the most famous player in all of Major League Baseball, makes a critical error in Game 7 of the 2016 World Series, costing the Pittsburgh Pirates (what, you didn't hear about the trade?) the Series. A heckler spies Longoria on an afternoon stroll with his wife in suburban Pittsburgh and yells "Hey! Which one of you is Eva?" Longoria snaps. (Don't ask me why he was carrying a bat while on a walk. That's a mystery to everyone).

Why this card is valuable: This pose is the last thing the fan saw before he bought it.

News item: January 14, 2012. Former Atlanta Braves pitcher Chuck James loses both arms in a bear attack, but uses his legs to strangle the bear and survive. (Good golly, the future is morbid isn't it?)

What happens: The player who once was bit by a copperhead and did not get treatment AND broke both wrists while trying to dive off a roof into a swimming pool (both of these actually happened) was hunting in Alaska when he was ambushed by a bear. Bleeding profusely after the loss of both arms, he uses his powerful legs (Pitching is all about the legs, folks!) to send the enormous bear to nighty, night land. His awesome feat of strength and courage is retold for years, and James becomes a legend.

Why this card is valuable: This was back in the day when James could actually sign his autograph with his hands.

News item: April 5, 2016. Bernie Williams returns to play for the New York Yankees.

What happens: Williams, now an international music star, says he has unfinished business to attend to and requests a tryout with the Yankees at age 48. He is in terrific shape with all reflexes intact (he passes every steroid test), and the Yankees, still desperate for a center fielder, start him immediately. Williams plays until he's 50 and wins two gold gloves.

Why this card is valuable: This is one of the last cards of Bernie Williams (2007 Upper Deck). The card companies are so stunned by Williams' comeback that they do not make any during his return.

News item: June 21, 2018. Miguel Tejada is released from prison.

What happens: In a shocking development, Tejada goes to jail for a long time for lying to the feds (but if you think 10 years is a long time, you should see what Bonds and Clemens got. You don't mess around with the government in the 21st century).

Why this card is valuable: A year later, Tejada gets a job as an ESPN anchorman. After years of working in the prison library, his English is perfect. And, of course, he's quite popular on ESPN Deportes as well.

News item: August 28, 2018. Chase Lirette becomes owner and chief executive officer of Chrome International.

What happens: Lirette was just a nobody pitching prospect in the Blue Jays organization. After too many injuries, he quit baseball and went into business. Showing a keen business sense, he rose to the top of Chrome International, a company that turns chrome into energy for homes and businesses. Because chrome becomes so valuable (don't ask how they turn chrome into energy. It's a very complicated process), Topps is banned from using it for something as frivilous as cards. Collectors are required to turn in all their chrome cards to the company.

Why this card is valuable: Well, it's Lirette's first card. And it's chrome. And he's now the Chrome King. This card will sell for $3 million on the black market.

News item: May 42nd (don't ask), 2017. Scientists find a new way to harness energy from 1991 Fleer cards.

What happens: Can you believe cards could become energy sources in so many different ways? Staggering isn't it? Somehow, the bright yellow cards actually can be converted into electricity and even be used as a heat source.

Why this card is valuable: The yellow cards, when combined with the bright, white background, are practically firestarters.

News item: November 16, 2015. The Dodgers' Clayton Kershaw wins his fifth consecutive Cy Young Award.

What happens: Kershaw becomes the greatest Dodger pitcher since Sandy Koufax and is almost as dominating. L.A. wins three World Series between 2010 and 2015.

Why this card is so valuable: The 2008 Topps Updates & Highlights is not Kershaw's first card, but it is the first card that features an error that is only detectable through technology invented five years from now. It's hard to describe. It's kind of a combination of DNA testing and infrared technology. Why would Topps create errors that no one could detect until 2014? There is so much about Topps that you don't know.

News item: Feb. 3, 2016. Derek Jeter becomes King of England.

What happens: Jeter finally settles down and gets married after his career ends. He marries into British royalty and somehow gets handed the crown before Prince Charles or any of his sons. It seems the Yankees always get their way, don't they?

Why this card is valuable: Rookie card, baby.

News item: October 28, 2017. In a voice from the grave, Hank Aaron reportedly confesses to using steroids.

What happens: I know what you're saying. The Hammer using steroids? Blasphemy! That's what made this so shocking. "This lady" Selena Roberts of Sports Illustrated claims she unearthed a written confession made by Aaron before his death, saying he used steroids after he broke the home run record. SI reports that Aaron said: "I felt an enormous amount of pressure. I felt like I had all the weight of the world on top of me, and I needed to perform, and perform at a high level every day."

Why this card is valuable: This is the last card of Aaron during his career, the 1976 Topps card. 1976 was the "juiced year," according to Roberts, a.k.a. "this lady."

News item: December 10, 2018. Ken Griffey Jr. is named assistant to the commissioner of baseball.

What happens: Griffey, based on being one of the few clean all-stars from the "Steroid Era" becomes the most popular player from the 1990s and does countless speeches across the country. He is so popular that he is asked to help run Major League Baseball.

Why this card is valuable: I don't know. I just think it's cool.

News item: November 19, 2017. Jose Canseco is named Commissioner of Baseball.

What happens: It turns out every word of all five (yes, five) of Canseco's tell-all books is true. People are so impressed with his honesty that they forget all of his past bizarre behavior and ask him to clean up the game. As of 2019, Canseco is doing a terrific job.

Why this card is valuable: C'mon, man. Just look at it.

(Disclaimer: I have no ability to see into the future. Any future similarity to these events is purely coincidental. And I'll be serious during the next blog bat around. I promise).