Thursday, May 19, 2011

No Bryce here

I received some cards from Adam of My Cardboard Mistress a couple of weeks ago.

Or as I like to call it:


Before Bryce.

I know there aren't very many collectors out there anymore that care about non-Bryce Harper cards. But I'll press on for the two that do. It's not my fault, nor Adam's fault, that we agreed upon a trade before everyone opened their eyes and realized that there was only one player's cards worth pursuing.

So, here are the worthless cards that Adam sent. I hope you will forgive me:

Not Bryce Harper.

Not Bryce Harper. Too many letters.

A Bowman card. But not Bryce Harper.

Another Bowman card, but just a guy with a weird last name. Bryce Harper has a weird first name.

Blake is closer to Bryce. But that is not Bryce Harper with a bat on his bat.

Not Bryce Harper on a carrier ship.

Not Bryce Harper in his 142nd game.

Not Bryce Harper on a 2008 Heritage short-print.

Not Bryce Harper on some shiny.

Not Bryce Harper reflecting the current top of the A.L. East standings.

Not Bryce Harper on one of those Pinnacle 4-in-1 Stand-Up cards.

Getting closer. But not Bryce Harper.

Oooh. Getting real close. But still not Bryce Harper.

Bryce Harper hasn't hit two grand slams in one inning of a major league game. Not Bryce Harper.

Working on his Bryce Harper stare. But not Bryce Harper.

Tats! I'm guessing Bryce Harper either has or will end up with a bunch of tats. But these are not Bryce Harper's tats. Therefore, nobody cares.

Adam, you thoroughly disappoint me with your non-Bryce Harper cards and non-Bryce Harper tats. You may think that these cards are a suitable replacement for the greatness of Bryce Harper, but you and I both know that they are pathetically lacking. We are a disgrace to collectorhood.

Nothing compares to a card of Bryce Harper. It's all a collector wants out of a hobby. Just look at this. Is there anything better in life? The answer is Bryce ... I mean no.

Um ... wait, I think I forgot a card.

Hold on ...

Here it is:

Eh. It's just Jackie Robinson. A short-print of Jackie Robinson. It's not even from (*sniff*) this year.

Definitely not Bryce Harper.



Thank God.

(Thanks Adam!)


  1. Hah! That was fun. I guess I'm half the people in the world who don't care about Bryce Harper, though I wish I could get my hands on just one blaster of Bowman.

  2. I'm so not going to buy any Bowman, and it doesn't have anything to do with anything other than I only want the Rangers. I'm hoping the mania over Harper will finally take the minds of people off other things I might want to buy. Like one pack of GQ. Remember the good old days of Strasmania? Whatever happened to that guy? I do think that is Harper's face paint on Blake's bat. I really do.

  3. That's a great looking Robinson.
    I sold almost all of my extra GQ in a large lot the other day but held onto a Robinson mini if you're interested.

  4. Are you not a fan either?

    Want to co-author a blog called "Not Bryce Harper?" I think this could really turn into something.

  5. Hahaha...brilliant!

    SO glad there hasn't been an absurd hype over a rookie like this in football.

  6. The sad part about it is that there are kids caught up in the hype (which I do think is justified to a degree; kid's already a great ballplayer) who are going to get stiffed on his cards by speculeeches (and magazine editors who shall remain nameless) for the first 5 years of his career, easy. I saw a lot of young'uns at the game on Friday who knew who he was already and were excited about him. They're gonna have a hell of a time getting his cards, even if Bowman printed a bunch of them in the '11 set. And autos? Jeez. You could get a pretty large baseball card collection for the Buy It Now prices on the purple autos (all 5 of them; how hard could they really be to get if there are 5 out of 55 up a day after the official release date?). None are under 5 grand. Why keep them, even if you're the guy's biggest fan ever? Here's hoping they were among the lucky ones who got him to sign a ball at the game.

    NICE Jackie, by the way. Even if he's not Bryce Harper. So the guy changed the course of race relations forever. Big deal! It's not like he had an 18 game hitting streak in low A ball!

  7. Hryce Barper? Who's that guy?

  8. Bryce who? Harper? As in Harper's Ferry? The place the Civil War started? Such violence and heartache. Why is that so great again?

  9. wow...and I thought my wife was the only person I could dissappoint multiple times.

    wv: offeces

    I sent you a pile offeces.