30 teams, 2023 edition

 

I am very unprepared for the new MLB season from a viewing standpoint.

 

I cut my cable midseason last year, which means no MLB Network, and no Mets or Yankees broadcasts. I had a subscription to mlb.tv during the 2021 season but scrapped that to save money and also because I was mad at the labor strife prior to last season.

I could re-up but the service was always wonky on my smart TV, which I possibly could rectify by upgrading the cable/internet connection but since nobody's coming to my house to upgrade it for me, it would all fall on me and I'm sure I'd screw it up and erase the few remaining channels we have, and Netflix and Hulu and Amazon, as well as zapping all the gaming stuff we have connected to that thing to coax the daughter to come back and visit every once in awhile. And since MLB isn't partners with youtube anymore, there goes that, too -- MLB just wants all us fans to go away I guess.

 

So I was in a bit of a snit about having nothing baseball-y to watch and realized the Red Sox-Phillies spring training game was on ESPN, so I turned it on. Gracious, what a mistake. I know, I know, what do you expect, it's ESPN? But I had no idea it had gotten SO. MUCH. WORSE. When I turned it on, they were interviewing two Phillies in the outfield. Not one, two. Then the nonstop interviews continued, they'd get done interviewing a manager and then it was right to a Phillies player and then Roger Clemens showed up to chat and then let's talk to Alex Bohm for like 15 minutes and then -- this isn't baseball, this is The Interview Show. People say, "I just put it on mute," but half the time they didn't even show the game! I expect this to calm down when the regular season starts but not much because ESPN is as clearly enamored with taking away my viewing opportunities as MLB.

So, all of that was a roundabout way of saying, I don't know much about what's going on in baseball this year.

But still I'm ranking all 30 teams in order of my liking anyway, just as I've always done, since way back as a youngster with a pen and paper.

This is the 15th time I've done this on the blog. But I'm going back even farther in time and representing each team with a card from 2003 Topps, Topps' most recent mug-inset set prior to 2023 Topps. Twenty years ago Topps also went wild with blue borders. An entire set of blue parallels! I should be collecting this set, but I think I knew even less about baseball then than I do now.

 

To spice things up for me, I'm going to try to find someone on each team's roster that I had no idea was playing for that team. You know, to really own my ignorance about this year's season.

Here is the list. As usual, make your own if you like but this is the official master copy. Post it next to your TV where you can review it, while Karl Ravech is babbling about something that is not the game currently being played.

 

1. Los Angeles Dodgers (highest ranking: 1st; lowest ranking: 1st)

He's on the roster?: Well, it's the Dodgers, so I'm clear on every last person on the roster. I expect that to change once they're making 20 player moves a week in midseason.

2. Toronto Blue Jays (highest ranking: 2nd; lowest ranking: 8th)

I went with the team card because -- full disclosure -- I'm relying on TCDB images because I've gotten so lazy. The '03 Blue Jays images aren't the clearest.

He's on the roster?: Brandon Belt? Huh. But he's an Ex-Giant, ick. I may have to amend my No. 2 ranking for the Jays.

3. Kansas City Royals (highest ranking: 2nd; lowest ranking: 5th)

He's on the roster?: No surprises here, probably because I latch onto any identifiable name I can with my Royals. There's a whole other bunch of people on the roster I have zero idea who they are period.

4. Baltimore Orioles (highest ranking: 3rd; lowest ranking: 18th)

The Orioles took a plunge in the rankings last year because I was mad at inept teams. I still am, but I'm going to be gullible and hope the Orioles are improved.

He's on the roster?: I had just gotten used to James McCann playing on the Mets and now he's not.

5. Boston Red Sox (highest ranking: 2nd; lowest ranking: 7th)

He's on the roster?: Adelberto Mondesi apparently left the Royals. Now that's one less guy I know on the Royals.

6. Philadelphia Phillies (highest ranking: 2nd; lowest ranking: 10th)

The Phillies avoid the overexposure jinx, which almost always affects World Series teams for me. But I was rooting for them for several rounds.

He's on the roster?: Josh Harrison. Get ready for some good Harrison Phillies cards.

7. Pittsburgh Pirates (highest ranking: 3rd; lowest ranking: 7th)

Pirates gotta start acting like a major league team or they'll be dropping to 20th in the near future.

He's on the roster?: Carlos Santana. I do remember reference to him moving to a new team but I don't recall hearing it was the Pirates.

8. Oakland Athletics (highest ranking: 4th; lowest ranking: 9th)

Still mad that they've been giving up decent players for more than 20 years.

He's on the roster?: Trevor May

9. Detroit Tigers (highest ranking: 7th; lowest ranking: 13th)

The Tigers can jump at least two places in the rankings by getting rid of that useless strip between the mound and home plate.

He's on the roster?: Edwin Uceta (former Dodger).

 

 

10. Minnesota Twins (highest ranking: 9th; lowest ranking: 14th)

 

I want 2023 to be the year that I pay attention to the Twins. And that sounds very much like a New Year's resolution that will inevitably be broken.

 

He's on the roster?: Dennis Santana (another former Dodger).

 

 

11. Cleveland Guardians (highest ranking: 6th; lowest ranking: 17th)

 

We're settling nicely into the "flyover states" portion of the ranking.

 

He's on the roster?: Mike Zunino.

 

 

12. Texas Rangers (highest ranking: 5th; lowest ranking: 12th)

Have the Rangers broken out the old Washington Senators uniforms since the Washington Nationals became a team?

He's on the roster?: Will Smith, the pitcher (The Rangers seem to have double the number of pitchers on their spring training roster than other teams).

13. Cincinnati Reds (highest ranking: 9th; lowest ranking: 16th)

He's on the roster?: Buck Farmer. He apparently was on the team last year, but I had no clue.

14. Seattle Mariners (highest ranking: 13th; lowest ranking: 20th)

One of the things I like about 2003 Topps is that it's almost all action all the time and then a card like this hits you in the face. Not a great card, but the nostalgia is through the ceiling.

He's on the roster?: AJ Pollock. Players seem to disappear when they end up in Seattle. At least that's the view from 2,500 miles away.

15. Tampa Bay Rays (highest ranking: 14th; lowest ranking: 23rd)

He's on the roster?: Zach Elfin.

16. New York Mets (highest ranking: 16th; lowest ranking: 21st)

He's on the roster?: Jose Quintana.

17. Chicago White Sox (highest ranking: 6th; lowest ranking: 17th)

The taint of Tony La Russa is still on this team, and now they've got Mike Clevinger.

He's on the roster?: Elvis Andrus.

18. Chicago Cubs (highest ranking: 18th; lowest ranking: 25th)

Well, you can't say they're no-names anymore.

He's on the roster?: Trey Mancini.

19. Milwaukee Brewers (highest ranking: 10th; lowest ranking: 23rd).

He's on the roster?: Brian Anderson. I thought he'd be on the Marlins forever. Has anyone in the majors who played at least 10 seasons played their whole career for the Marlins?

20. Miami Marlins (highest ranking: 13th; lowest ranking: 20th)

He's on the roster?: Jean Segura.

21. Washington Nationals (highest ranking: 19th; lowest ranking: 24th)

He's on the roster?: Jeter Downs.

22. Colorado Rockies (hightest ranking: 22nd; lowest ranking: 26th)

Rockies already have problems. At least the Dodgers will be no worse than third.

He's on the roster?: Brad Hand.

23. St. Louis Cardinals (highest ranking: 6th; lowest ranking: 25th)

He's on the roster?: Nobody that's a surprise. I always have my eyes on these guys.

24. Los Angeles Angels (highest ranking: 24th; lowest ranking: 26th)

 

Perhaps the best part of Mike Trout not being on everyone's lips all the time anymore is that when he hits a home run we don't have to see vacant tweets, from very well-known, supposedly knowledgeable baseball accounts that say, "Mike Trout can baseball!"

 

He's on the roster?: Gio Urshela. 

25. Atlanta Braves (highest ranking: 19th; lowest ranking: 25th)

He's on the roster?: No one notable. Like the Cardinals, I'm way too familiar with this team. I'd like to be less familar.

26. Arizona Diamondbacks (highest ranking: 26th; lowest ranking: 29th)

He's on the roster?: Evan Longoria. How did this get past me?

27. Houston Astros (highest ranking: 5th; lowest ranking: 28th)

I wanted to drop this team -- so sick of them -- but with what's below, I just couldn't.

He's on the roster?: The saying about keeping your friends close and your enemies closer applies here. I know every bleepin' one of them.

28. San Francisco Giants (highest ranking: 28th; lowest ranking: 30th)

Big moment! The highest the Giants have been ranked since I started this on the blog 14 years ago. Don't expect an upward trend. Or even a lateral trend.

He's on the roster?: Ross Stripling??? The Giants have way too many former Dodger pitchers on their team.

29. New York Yankees (highest ranking: 28th; lowest ranking 30th)

Roger Clemens wasn't so bad during that ESPN interview. I enjoyed the point where he said "I love the Red Sox," or something like that, and I automatically imagined a Yankees fan watching.

He's on the roster?: Living where I do, you would have to try very hard not to know who is on the Yankees. Every move is broadcasted loudly.

30. San Diego Padres (highest ranking: 26th; lowest ranking: 30th)

The Padres are last for the first time here. Why not? They want to be big shots, this will fit right in with their bad boy/face of baseball image (I get confused). They'll need to get used to stuff like this. They do remind me of George Steinbrenner-led Yankees teams more than any team since.

I don't expect to see them ranked here for more than a year or so though.

 

He's on the roster?: Matt Carpenter. This guy is determined to play on every team I don't like. I expect to see him on the Giants or Diamondbacks or Astros next year.

 

OK, that's it. If MLB decides to expand to 32 teams, don't plan to see this breakdown in this way again.

 

In fact, for the first time, I kind of agree with people who say "I could never do this, every team that's not my favorite team is tied for the bottom."