Monday, December 15, 2014

Words I never use

As a guy, there are certain words I never say. It's not like I go out of my way to avoid them. It's just that I don't know why I'd ever have the occasion to use them and actually never even think to use them.

For example, "delectable." When in the hell would I ever use that word in public? It's so foreign to me that I just had to look up how it's spelled. I know what it means, but honestly, why use such a freakish word when "tasty" or, um, "good" would work just as well?

Along those lines is the word "delicious," a word that I use only -- forever and ever -- to describe food. I will never use it to describe anything else and I get a piercing pain directly above my right eye when anyone uses the word to describe other things.

But something strange comes over me when it comes to baseball cards. Words that I never use often pop into my head the minute I see a certain card. It's like that word is the only word that will describe the card perfectly, and I find myself uttering that word for the first time in my life.

For example, these two cards ...

... are ADORABLE.

There it is. I've just said the word "adorable" for maybe the second time in my life. The only other time was probably a reaction to my daughter when she was 18 months old, which is totally allowed when you're a young father with a little baby girl.

And, apparently, it's also allowed when seeing cards like these.

Each of these treasures are mini Bowman Chrome cards that came out this year. The Kershaw is from JediJeff of 2 by 3 Heroes and the Urias is from Kenny from Torren' Up Cards.

I've pretty much been mini'd out by all of the new tiny cards that we've been bombarded with the last two or three years. But something about them being turned on their side in a horizontal format makes me want to squeeze their little cheeks -- the cards' cheeks, not the player's cheeks. I may have just used the word "adorable," but I'm not grandma.

So, now that I've used a word that I never use, the floodgates are open. Let's see how many other words that I never use can be applied to cards.

Here is another mini Bowman Chrome card from Kenny. It's blue bordered and shiny and numbered to /99. And I find that ... DIVINE.

Ow. That was painful. Not even a pretty card like that justifies me using that word. I'm sorry I even wrote it. And I'm even sorrier that I tried to make it rhyme.

Another card from Kenny of pitching prospect Chris Reed. The border color on this card is what some people would describe as TAUPE.

And there you are. The first time I've ever used the word "taupe".

Taupe, defined as a cross between tan and gray, has always confused me for reasons that I attribute to not paying attention to weirdly named colors. Recently, I once described something that was taupe as "mauve" and was practically laughed out of the room by a female acquaintance. Mauve apparently is a purplish color and I was mixing those two words up for about 35 years.

Now I have it straight. Thanks to a baseball card.

These two cards are from JediJeff and I think I can describe both of them -- very shiny and dazzling -- as FETCHING.

Now it's possible I have used the word "fetching" once or twice in real life -- and not merely to describe what my dog was actively doing -- but only in the most joking manner possible. Yes, women can be fetching but I'd feel like I was from the 1940s if I were to use that word in public, and if anyone slapped me for saying it I think I'd agree with them.

But cards? Hell, yeah. Cards can be fetching.

Check out this thing that Kenny sent me. It's a crazy diecut from Bowman Chrome featuring the Dodgers' future/current center fielder and another guy who was talked about as a possibility in the Matt Kemp trade (but it didn't happen).

This card is so fantastic that I could channel my inner Marcia Brady and call it DREAMY.

I've never used "dreamy" for any other reason except to hassle my daughter (I swear I'm really a writer in real life, it's just that we don't come across a lot of these words in the sports department).

More Kenny cards. He sure does love Bowman Chrome don't he? I think if I were not in my right mind and I were to look at all of these cards at once I would call them ZESTY.

The only time I've used the word "zesty" is in an ironic sense and even then I didn't like myself very much afterward.

Anyone using "zesty" by its proper definition should probably be punched unless they have their own cooking show. Even then, someone should punch them after the show.

But these graphics?

These charts that they have on the back of Bowman Chrome this year?

Sorry, but they're zesty.

Kenny is always turning up overseas cards, mostly of the Sega CardGen variety. He very nicely supplies translations for the card backs. (I believe the Dee Gordon photo is from his 2012 walk-off single in the 10th inning on Father's Day).

These cards are very exotic to me and I might even call each of these cards a DELIGHT.

That's another word I've never used in a non-ironic sense. But I challenge you to come up with an argument for why that isn't an appropriate word for these cards.

Cards are so -- yes, delightful, that they make me expand my vocabulary, forcing me to find new words to describe the many varieties of cardboard sent my way. Jeff and Kenny did an excellent job.

In fact, I've saved a few cards that Kenny sent for their own separate post. The cards are so good that they are adorable, fetching, divine and zesty all rolled into one.

In short, they are epic.

Now that's a word I've used a lot.


  1. You should have squeezed "bodacious" in there somewhere.

  2. I would like to see you work "cute" into your blogging lexicon.

  3. I can attest that using colorful language when talking about cards can leave one feeling bubbly. You might even find yourself inspiring just never know.

  4. We hate the same words. HOW CUTE.

  5. With the way the post was going I had assumed that you were going to call the die-cut "sharp."

    Also, now I know that when NO gets Card Gens, groove is indeed in the heart.

  6. I used to mock people who used the word "fabulous", and did it so much that I actually use it pretty regularly now. I mean, not in my blog posts about manly stuff like baseball cards, but other, still manly things.

  7. I relish the crisp retorts to the fabulous lexicon selection gone tropo.

  8. And I thought 'fetching' was just a traditional Mormon swear word.

  9. I love those Sega Gen cards. They are quite fetching.

  10. Delicious? I am okay with that. Delish? No way, Jose. Wait, I never use that expression, this post is dangerous.