All right, it's obvious I'm going to have to go through the rules on which cards you burn and which ones you don't, because someone doesn't know them yet. Please try to keep up. I'm only going to say this once.
CARDS THAT MAY BE BURNED
1. Checklists
Guidelines: Burn only for warmth. If it's 20 below or the landlord has turned off your heat, then you may bundle checklists in stacks of 500 or more and light them ablaze. But only use checklists that are not numbered as part of the set.
2. Cards from 1991
Guidelines: Check first that none of your fellow bloggers need these cards. After that, I better not catch you trying to sell them on eBay. Take them immediately to the incinerator.
3. Barry Bonds cards
Guidelines: Arrange Bonds cards in order by his increasing head size. Attach cards to fuse. Light fuse. Enjoy!
4. Hated Yankees.
Guidelines: Your choice may vary from period to period. It may be Jackson, Piniella, Dent, Winfield, O'Neill, Rodriguez or Teixeira. But the procedure is the same. Light with match and watch it burn slowly. Letting out a few "muwahahahahahahas" is not necessary but recommended.
5. Players who have just hit a winning home run against your team.
Guidelines: This applies only to the postseason. Don't waste cards over a regular-season homer, you big baby. But during the postseason, take card of offending player, find propane torch, don shield, let 'er rip.
6. Mickey Mantle home run history cards
Guidelines: Only burn these cards in a bonfire in the middle of the street. Invite neighbors and friends. Chanting anti-Topps slogans is encouraged. Cover a pinata with extra Mantle home runs cards (everyone always has extras) and let the neighbor children beat it to a pulp to extract the candy inside.
7. Matt Williams cards
Guidelines: I like to play a tape of the annoying things that he said during his playing career while I'm burning his cards. Also, you may use only a Bic lighter. Don't waste an expensive lighter on Williams.
8. Andruw Jones cards
Guidelines: Put them in the oven. Along with a few pies, some french fries, a couple dozen doughnuts, three pizzas, a rack of ribs and some baked ziti.
9. Roger Clemens cards
Guidelines: For the former All-American pitcher, you must wait until the 4th of July, flag down your friendly pyrotechnician, and get him to jettison your Roger cards into the night sky. Pretty!
10. 2009 Goudey
Guidelines: Blast furnace. That's the only way you kill the images of evil spirits on those things.
11. Never, ever, under any condition, think about burning a card of a future Dodger Hall of Famer (even if he did walk four straight batters last night)!
Guidelines: What did I just say?
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See? Now that's how it's done. A perfectly intact Kershaw card. (Yes, I know it's a 2009 Goudey. But it's wonderful Kershawness supersedes Rule #10).I hope you've all learned something here. And please, please, please, safety first.
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Oh, and here's an OPC card of James McDonald that I needed. Just because.(Thanks, Chris! You are forgiven.)
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