I would like to make a public apology to Bruce Ellingsen:
Bruce, you don't know me, but I want to say I'm sorry for everything I said about you in 1975. I was 9 years old. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know it was wrong to dislike hatless, wavy-haired players. I didn't know how mean it was to hide your card in a stack of cards and then spring it on my brother or best friend, causing them to shriek like a little girl.
I never knew that you were actually drafted by the Dodgers, and that the Dodgers then used you as bait to acquire Pedro Guerrero from the Indians. And then Guerrero helped lead the Dodgers to a World Series title in 1981. Had I known all that, maybe I would have treated you with a little more respect.
Sorry, Bruce. After all these years, I'm sorry.
But even though I'm apologizing for all the mean, hateful things I said about you back when I was just a kid, I still want to know one thing:
Why couldn't you have put on a cap before they snapped your photo?