Cards are going to kill me

Telling you this story means that I have to confess to violating the rules of my own post. But I'm running low on material right now. And confession is good for the blog. Or something like that. So here I go.

First, I'm going to jump ahead and say, what the holy hell was Stadium Club thinking when they issued this card? Were they trying to kill me? Because they almost did. I should never have to see that much man hair up close, and especially, man hair with product in it. I don't care if it's only an image -- I almost drove into oncoming traffic!

And there's the confession: yes, I was looking at cards while driving. I really, really, really try NOT to do this. You kids out there -- take a lesson from Uncle Night Owl. If you open card packages while driving, you're going to end up finding something freakishly frightening like this and have to explain to Nice Mr. Policeman why the front of your car is resting inside the Crispy Creme doughnut shop.

I have no excuse for my behavior. I'm weak. Why do you think I buy repacks? The funny thing is, I thought I was being good. I am in the second part of my work-mandated "vacation" (i.e.: "we don't pay you"), so I was trying to save cash. Instead of blowing 6 bucks on a couple of packs of Allen & Ginter for two minis I don't have, I went to the dollar store and bought 6 bucks worth of '90s cards, knowing I'd find about 200 cards I didn't have.

But, for some reason, I was antsy coming out of the store. It's probably because I haven't bought any cards in three weeks. So, I just had to dig through them in mid-drive. I pulled out of the plaza, turned right, approached the first intersection, and just as I was underneath the traffic light, there was Doug Jones' mug in disturbingly large detail.

AHHHHHH!

I said something mildly offensive, felt the car shift, and grabbed the wheel with both hands before anyone could write "Mayhem on Eastern Boulevard!" About 40 or so cards spilled on the floor of the car. Shaken, I didn't touch them until I reached my driveway. Mr. Jones, thanks for showing me the light. After all, you do look a bit like Jesus on the card. Except for the slicked back hair thing.

Anyway, as usual, I made out pretty well at the dollar store. They still have the ziplock bag things, and I figured out a way to get them open and look at cards in the store in order to avoid the basketball cards. But I see that about half of the cards on display are now housed in some sort of sealed container that you can't open. Bummer.

I found four Dodger cards I needed, including a Piazza and a Nomo. Here are some of the other cards. I'll keep it short:

Another long-haired Phillie. And one of the most well-known long-haired Phillies. Looking back at these mullet dudes, it's all a tad disturbing. Why was I rooting for the Phillies then?

Otis Nixon looks like he just saw one of the alien ships in "Independence Day." Running isn't going to do you much good, Otis.

Stadium Club FAIL. If Bagwell wasn't wearing his baseball uniform, I'd think he was in the lobby of an abandoned hotel.

This card means nothing to anyone besides me. I interviewed Ivan Cruz, and he's a future "Brush With Greatness" subject. I was thrilled to get this card, as the only other card I have of him is from a cheap minor league set. But hardly anyone else knows who he is.

Bernie Williams during his Awkward Stage.

Oooh, a Todd Hundley rookie card. This was back in the days of hope and promise -- before the Dodgers thought Hundley was a suitable replacement for Mike Piazza. Well, first, they thought Charles Johnson was the suitable replacement. And you wonder why Dodgers fans went ga-ga over Paul Lo Duca.

From one of the most poorly designed Topps sets to possibly the worst designed Upper Deck set of All Time. 1999 Upper Deck was awful. What are those, giant salad tongs closing in on the photo of each card? I can't wait for "Define the Design" with this set.

By the way, I absolutely do not remember Jim Abbott playing for the Brewers.

Jim Thome, back in the days when he could run, and play first base and, you know, be a ballplayer. Still happy to have him in Dodger blue. He's 1-for-3. That's something.

This is dangerous: A whole mess of the bags that I saw in the store featured 1993 Upper Deck, which I've never seen there before.

As you know, I'm collecting the set, and I'm not that far from finishing it off. So I got a couple of bags that were nothing but '93 Upper Deck. I needed exactly two of the cards. Strangely, I'm not deterred. I'll be back again.

One of the cards I needed was this "Lethal Lefties" card. I think it's cool. I'm guessing that they didn't pose together for this card. But it's great if they did.

Here's the other one I needed. Wow, talk about guilt by association. No wonder Juan Gonzalez and Ivan Rodriguez can't escape steroid rumors. Canseco took so much juice that Pudge might have tested positive just by having Canseco's hand on his shoulder. And there's Raffy, smiling away. I also find it interesting that the Coke billboard in the back says "The Real Thing."

Those dollar store cards hit the spot for someone who can't spend a lot of money the next couple of weeks. I might be back at the store again, soon. But my hands will be on the wheel and my eyes forward. If I don't have a Doug Jones flashback, I'll be OK.