If Panini can do it, I can do it

(*measure, measure, measure, trace, trace, trace*)

(*snip, snip, snip, snip*) ...

Oh, hi there. You've caught me in the middle of making my own brand of baseball cards! With the recent news that Panini has acquired the license to produce NBA cards, and the fact that Topps' MLB license expires in a year, I figured, why not? I'll try my hand at some cards. I could win the lottery, um, three times, and buy an exclusive deal, right?

So I have to start planning. I'm going to call my card company "Lower Level," and I'll be starting with the kids' market. We have to get those kids hooked first! My first product is going to be called "Letters." As in, "Lower Level Letters," or "LLL" for short. Catchy, no?

Here is an example of one of the cards:

That's right! All of the cards are die-cuts! This is the "U" card. It is my homage to Upper Deck. Because Upper Deck X was my inspiration.

Here is the "T" card and my tribute to Topps. Even though they didn't produce anything as silly as "X," I didn't want to leave them out. After all, they did create Moments and Milestones. That's got to count for something.

Here is the "F" card or "Fleer" card. I suppose if you're a little bit crass, you could call it something else. But this product is for kids, so let's not muck it up.

The edges on the cards may be a bit rough, like this "C" card, but I think collectors are going to go for the unvarished look. The slick, glossy card is so played out, isn't it?

Every letter of the alphabet will be featured in "Lower Level Letters," but that's not all. I'll be randomly inserting super short-printed "numbers" into "Letters."

Here is the super rare "7" card. (I know what you're thinking: how stupid is including numbers in a product called "Letters"? Well, I'd say it's about as stupid as including cards of Bigfoot and vice presidential candidates in a pack of baseball cards).

I'm also going to include a couple of subsets. One is called "Punctuation Power" (there is an error version of the semi-colon card. It looks like a colon, which causes collectors to confuse it with the actual colon card). The other subset features letters only found in foreign languages. I'd show one here, but I don't speak any of those languages.

There is also a parallel set, called "Lower-case Letters." You can get all of your favorite ballplayers featured on die-cut, lower-case letters like "g" and "p" and "z"! (I'm working on a deal with O-Pee-Chee in which the pronunciation on the back of the "Z" card will read "Zed").

Unfortunately, for the two of you who are actually buying the fact that I'd go through with this, I have to tell you, it's actually a load of:

I don't collect basketball cards. But let's hope Panini does a better job on its cards than I did with these, especially if they have any designs at all on the baseball card market.

That is all.

(Eight Lee Tunnell cards were harmed in the making of this post. If you really need an intact 1985 Topps Lee Tunnell, don't worry. I saved one for you).