Pants cards have got to go

I was going to save this post for tomorrow (well, later today anyway), but then I looked at the back of this card, and I nearly freaked. And I realized I had a problem that I needed to share. It's something I've mentioned before, but never made the topic of a post.

This is absolutely no reflection on the terrific cards that Greg of Lake Effect Baseball Cards sent me, which included the Delwyn Young relic card. I love every one of the cards. Honestly. Fantastic stuff. And not a base card in the stack. I don't know how you do it.

That said, the Young card makes me, oh, I don't know, want to wash my hands. Twice. With turpentine. There is only one card that I know of that makes my brain go "eeeeeeewwwwwww" for about 7 minutes. And that is a game-worn pants card.

Since I have returned to collecting and started accumulating modern cards, I have enjoyed everything about relic cards, provided that it is designed around the player, not the material. But then I heard about cards that used pieces of pants instead of a jersey, and the "oh, gross" meter in my brain exploded, kind of like those old Warner Brothers cartoons when they would illustrate a hot day by showing the mercury erupting out of the thermometer.

At some point after I heard about pants cards, I looked at the backs of all my jersey cards to make sure none of them said "pants" on the back. None of them did. Some of the descriptions are pretty vague, but that was OK by me. To me, that meant: "no -- thank god, no -- these aren't pants."

Yeah, I know, I have a problem. I need help. But just think about it for a second. Say you were at a ballgame and for some inexplicable reason a ballplayer whipped out a pair of scissors to give you a souvenir. It might go something like this:

Ballplayer: Do you want a piece of my jersey?
You: Hell, yeah!
Ballplayer: Uh, do you mind if I cut a piece from my pants instead?
You: Ummmm ... well, what part of your pants?

And that's my point. You don't GET to ask when you pull the card. It just says pants. Deal with it sucker. You better pray the player isn't one of those freaks who doesn't believe in a cup.

So there I was, enjoying the fact that I finally had an Allen and Ginter relic card of a Dodger, then turning over the card and reading this:

Eeewwwwww! I've been pantsed!

(Please also note that it says that Delwyn Young is a "star" outfielder for the the Los Angeles Dodgers, even though he's never had more than 126 at-bats in a season).

Go ahead. Tell me I've got some sort of hang-up or need to lie on a couch somewhere. But I firmly believe that pants card have got to go. It's just too creepy. Either scrap them or start adding a description: lower left leg, right hip, upper right knee, something.

So now that Greg thinks I'm half-looped, let's look at the other cards that he sent:

Not much of step up, huh? But it's one of the state cards I need to complete the '08 Allen & Ginter subset. I should have the other five coming soon. I'm just glad this one arrived first. I hate it when the last card I need is of a player I do not enjoy.

He's back with the Dodgers, and because of that I have to forget the second half of 2007. The Dodgers really need him, or one of the several other middling pitchers they have waiting in the wings. Eric Milton? Sheesh.

2006 Upper Deck Paul Konerko. Greg knows I like Konerko. It's numbered because it's a gold foil variation, right? These foil variations are the dumbest parallels ever.

My first two Ring of Honor cards. The card on the left is Don Zimmer from the 1955 champs and the one on the right is Johnny Podres from the 1963 champs. I'm not sure whether they have a card for every player on the roster, because otherwise Zimmer is not a great pick for 1955. He isn't even the 21st guy you'd think of when talking about that team.

A Hong-Chih Kuo autograph card commemorating his fantastic performance against the Mets in June of 2007. Great, great card. I love the autograph, even if it's a sticker.

Kuo has had some great showings against the Mets. I remember this game in particular as I was in a restaurant that was showing the game on TV. The TVs were positioned up high, including the one directly over my booth. I spent my dinner alternately craning my neck trying to watch the game and hoping that the TV wouldn't fall on me.

Finally, three Dodger A&G minis that I did not have. And three great ones. This certainly makes me want the season to get here. I still need Furcal, Penny, Pierre and Saito to complete the Dodger minis. I guess I should put those on the want list.

Great cards, Greg. Even the pants card. Check out his blog. And if you don't know what "Lake Effect" refers to, just ask myself or Greg. We can tell you some stories. They'll scare your pants off.