If I have to suffer, a Rockies card has to suffer

First, I have to remember, the Dodgers are in the playoffs. Even if they get swept this weekend, they'll still own a postseason berth. Playing either the Cardinals or the Phillies is a tough task. It doesn't matter much which team they play.

If I repeat that to myself over and over again this weekend, I just might be able to get through the season-ending series between the Dodgers and the Rockies. I'm going to need something because if I'm being honest on my own blog, I have to say: I hate the Rockies.

I've never liked them. You know where they rank on my 30 teams. I hate them even more when they go on winning streaks like the one they're on now, or the one in 2007, and all of a sudden they think they're legitimate contenders, and what's more, that they have "fans."

Where did the Rockies fans come from? The Rockies have been playing baseball for a whole 16 years, and I haven't met a single Rockies fan in my entire life. I have piles of Rockies cards that I can't get rid of because no one cares about the team. Yet, I'm going to have to deal with "Rocktober" all over again and hear about "The Rox" (ugh, eww, yuck). I swear if I hear the freakin' word "destiny," I'm going to hurl so loudly you'll be able to hear it from Mt. Elbert.

And what's with the "Beat L.A." chants? First of all, it's not original. It hasn't been original since the 1980s. Second of all, it's a basketball chant. Thirdly, it's an East Coast chant. Find your own chant. Something about mountain men, or skiing, or football, or getting swept by the Red Sox, or something. We all know you'd rather be at a Broncos game anyway.

I also have an issue with teams that all of a sudden appear to be trying really hard because they're on a winning streak or it's September. What were you doing in April and May when you got your manager fired? (By the way, a big thanks for all the help this week, Brewers). Maybe if you pretended to catch a few flyballs (re: Clint Barmes) in the early part of the season things wouldn't be so urgent now. Plus, purple really is a terrible color for a major league team.

(I realize that some of this is my own exasperation with the way the Dodgers have been playing lately. A team that has been playing well offensively all season has suddenly found its inner 2007 and just sucks at the plate).

All of this adds up to a rather painful three-game set for me. So, I've decided to make it a little more enjoyable.

For every Rockies win this weekend, up until the point the Dodgers clinch the NL West -- if they do clinch -- I will destroy one Rockies card. That's right. Goodbye to a card in my collection. I mean it's not like I have anyone beating down the door trying to get my Ryan Spilborghs cards.

For destruction inspiration, I will be using this book:

To anyone with daughters, you may be familiar with this book. In it are various suggestions on how to wreck this journal. All I'm going to do is substitute "Rockies card" for the word "journal."

Here are some of the possible fates for Rockies cards this weekend as suggested by "Wreck This Rockies Card ... er, Journal":

1. Make a paper airplane
2. Make a funnel, drink some water out of it
3. Pick up the (Rockies card) without using your hands
4. Document your dinner by using the (Rockies card) as your napkin
5. Make prints using an ink pad and cut up vegetables
6. Draw on the (Rockies card) when you are really angry
7. Scrub with it
8. Cut into strips, crumple
9. Take (Rockies card) into shower with you.

There are other possibilities, but No. 6 seems inevitable. No. 9 seems creepy.

Unfortunately, I don't have video capability (thank goodness in the event I choose No. 9), so I will only be able to show the final results here, with a semi-coherent description to go with it.

Honestly, I hope I don't even have to do this. If the Dodgers win tonight, all my Rockies cards are safe. However, Colorado might be annoying enough in the postseason that I'll have to go through with it anyway (out of the teams in the postseason, I find only the Yankees more despicable than the Rockies).

So, that's what you have to look forward to. Or not look forward to.

Brad Hawpe. 2009 Topps. You're on the clock ...