This is why

All right, Dodger fans, I'm going to go all Hollywood on your bad selves. But you're used to it, right? I mean it does sell papers.

I'm sure you're aware by now that our untouchable and extremely talented center fielder appears to be An Item with this gal:

I would have known that by now, too, but I live in the frozen Northeast, far from the gossip capital of the world. Plus, I've got a job and bills, and, you know, STUFF.

But it's been in the magazines and the newspapers, so it's got to be true. And I hope Mr. Kemp is ready for more attention. If he thinks the publicity surrounding being a major league player is heavy, he's about to be removed of that notion. And he'll hear an awful lot of Chris Brown jokes, if he hasn't already. Don't let it affect your on-field duties, sir.

The Nervous Nelly fan thoughts aside, I got to thinking about another thing related to this bit of "news." It's about how fans of other teams perceive the Dodgers. And I'm going to explain it by using yet another analogy:

When we first got our dog, we went down to the local Petco to get something. I don't remember what it was.

What I do remember is being stunned when I walked into the place. I was used to tiny two-aisle pet shops the whole time I had previous pets. In those shops there were a few pets here, a few pet beds there, a food aisle and some toys.

But this was the first Petco I had ever been in and when I stepped in, I was floored. Not only was the place huge, but there was some giant fish display with a waterfall type thing at the center of the store. To my left sat giant barrels of different varieties of dog food or treats. They almost came up to my shoulders.

I saw endless varieties of dog toys and food and carriers and beds. There were books on skin care and hair care and eye care and dental care. There were rows and rows of bones and chew toys and leashes. My mind swam as I saw cat furniture and pet monuments and doggie doors and fish medicine and just about every way you could stuff catnip into an object. I didn't even know what I was look at half the time.

Hit with an overload of pet devotion, I said the first thing on my mind:

"This is why the terrorists hate us."

I was joking and serious at the same time, but that's what I felt at that particular moment. I'm not used to pampering my pooch THAT MUCH.

And perhaps now I can understand why some fans hate the Dodgers. Athletes who play in L.A. have a lot of advantages that other athletes don't. It's not just the Hollywood starlets, but it's the gleaming stadium, the great weather, the red carpet treatment and everything a glamour city can offer.

And now Kemp appears to be dating this particular superstar recording artist:

Yes, this is why other teams' fans hate us.

Of course, if you don't happen to enjoy singers with whiny-type voices who have a hard time keeping their clothes on, then maybe this doesn't faze you one bit.

Carry on.

(I fully realize I just compared fans who hate the Dodgers to terrorists. I don't really believe there's a comparison. ... In most cases).