Fan pack fail

A couple of months ago, the always entertaining Spastik Mooss displayed some Fan Pack loot he had received by writing to various major league teams.

He was nice enough to send me the Dodgers Fan Pack contact and also sent along a list of the goodies obtained by Donna of Donna's TTM Autographs blog when she wrote to the Dodgers a year or so ago. Here is what she obtained:

1 x Thank You Letter For Being An Amazing Fan
1 x Los Angeles Dodgers August 2008 Magazine
5 x Dodgers 50th Anniversary Temporary Tattoos
1 x Baseball Shaped Car Deodorizer
1 x Dodgers Insulated 6-pack Bag or Lunch Bag
1 x Package of 7 2008 Topps Trading Cards
Including:
1) Russell Martin 2008 Topps #LAD1
2) Matt Kemp 2008 Topps #LAD2
3) Derek Lowe 2008 Topps #LAD3
4) Brad Penny 2008 Topps #LAD4
5) Jeff Kent 2008 Topps #LAD8
6) James Loney 2008 Topps #LAD9
7) 2008 Topps Game Within A Game Sweepstakes Card

1 x Package of 6 2008 Topps Trading Cards
Including:
1) Hideki Okajima 2008 Topps #379 Red Sox card
2) Brandon Wood 2008 Topps #437 Angels card
3) Jayson Werth 2008 Topps #521 Philadelphia Phillies card
4) Matt Murton 2008 Topps #643 Chicago Cubs card
5) 2008 Topps Town card
6) 2008 Topps Camp card

The Spastik Mooss said it was by far the best team pack that he had witnessed on her blog. (By the way, Donna has phenomenal success getting autographs).

I've mentioned before that I'm not interested in memorabilia and knick-knacks from my team. I'm all about the cards. So I was happy to see some cards included in the Dodgers list. I thanked the Mooss, then eagerly dashed off a gracious email to the Dodgers and waited for my goodies.

I never received a return email telling me the items were coming, which probably should have been warning sign No. 1. But last week the envelope arrived. It came in the mail with three other card packages. I actually was more interested in what I got from the Dodgers than the card packages.

I would be sorely disappointed.

First out of the gate:

A Dodgertown key chain. An OK start, but it is nicked. Also, I believe the key chain has officially surpassed the coffee mug and the paperweight as the preferred "cold-and-unfeeling-gift-from-someone-who-just-wants-you-to-go-away."

That's the back of the key chain. I never understood the Dodgers' latest slogan. I'm guessing it has to do with the spring training move to Arizona.

That's the second thing out of the envelope. It's also nicked. I don't know what this is. It's not a magnet. It's not a sticker. It's not an iron-on patch. It's not a frisbee. I'm stumped.

Next up: a program from one of the Dodgers' homestands in August of last year. At least they sent me the right coverboy.

I suppose asking for a fan pack during the offseason isn't the greatest time. They probably send out a lot of leftover stuff like this.

The program had the typical self-promotional stuff and a short article on Kershaw that read like it was written by a local high school student.

But it included a photo of this great item. I think 100 dollars for a foam bat hat is a steal. You could seriously annoy the person next to you wearing that thing at a game.

This is probably the most disappointing thing about living 3,000 miles away from your favorite team. I missed out on a clinic/luncheon in which I could have met my favorite player, Ron Cey, along with Tommy Lasorda, Ken Landreaux (another favorite), Tommy Davis (another favorite), Brad Ausmus, James Loney, Joe Torre, Orlando Hudson, etc.

Oh, and living on the east coast means I don't get to hear Jeanne Zelasko's lovely barritone voice. Curses, foiled again.

But the biggest disappointment about living so far away is missing Aimee Teegarden play in the Hollywood softball game. I like her. And she made an excellent choice in uniform number. The Penguin rules!

This came out of the envelope next. Another publication-type thing. This is some promotional item for the upcoming season. It features a smattering of photos of the past season. But every page includes writing with some variation of the same theme: "give us money."

This is the highlight of "Line Drives," the 2010 Dodger season schedule. If you have trouble reading it, click on it for a bigger image. The Dodgers open with the Pirates on April 5th.

And if you need to get started early, here is the Dodgers' spring training slate for 2010.

I was rather disturbed by the inclusion of Yankees in a Dodger publication. I realize the Dodgers are playing the Yankees in interleague play this year, but you don't need to show me what those goofs look like. I see them enough.

OK, if you're wondering what else I got, you can stop now. That was it.

That's right. No cards. Not even any oversized or undersized cards that cause storage headaches. And no thank you letter. No car deodorizer. No lunch bag. No tattoos. Nothing. I actually did that thing where I put my arm all the way in the envelope and feel around for something I might have missed.

That is a major letdown from my favorite team. I mean, this is the Dodgers. I expect this from the Washington Nationals, but not L.A.

I know it was free. But I'm thoroughly disgusted.

Frank McCourt, what have you done with my team?