Sunday, March 3, 2019
Banished to the Game Show Network
Yes! HELLO! Welcome! We have returned!!!! Just when you though this game show had disappeared forever, we've re-emerged on the Game Show Network!
Ha! Ha! Nobody but nobody watches the Game Show Network and also I think we're on at 4 a.m., aren't we trusty side-kick Jim???
Jim? Jim? Hey, Jim pay attention over here, we're running a show. I know you thought your job on Wall Street would last forever, but then you came crawling back to me and, I'll use your words here, "that crummy, garbage game show and that horrible excuse for a human being as the host."
Ha, ha, Jim, I love it when you shower me with compliments!!!! Now get my shower running!!!!
Ha, ha, that's more of my great humor! Isn't it great to be back after five years away?? IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK!
OK, now as all you fans of the show know from way, way back, the way this works is we take someone's phenomenal card package, select 16 gorgeous cards from it and determine WHAT'S THE BEST CARD IN THE PACKAGE!!!!!!
Uh, audience you were supposed to say that with me.
Yes, Jim, I know there are just 4 people in the audience. They still all have mouths, don't they?
Anyway, this show we are featuring cards from a package sent by Nick of Dime Boxes! He sent a doozy, so, Jim, why don't you get your nose out your phone and show us the first card!!!!!
OK, OK! It's a card from 10 years ago -- you know back when this show was in regular rotation and I didn't have to eat Stouffer's alone five days a week because the chicks were just falling at my feet and cooking me breakfast!
Ha, ha! Yes, Jim that did too happen! I am not making that up!!
So let's see what this gorgeous black parallel rookie card will take on the first round of WTBCITP!
It's a short-print from last year's Heritage High Numbers set! Ooh, I hate it when they short-print players who have been in my binders for years. They make me take even more of my blood pressure medicine than I already do!!!
Let's see who wins this round!
Yes, of course, it's the midnight Hoffman card! The parallel beats the short-print because I'd rather have extra of something than spend months finding something!!!! Isn't that right, Jim! What's better: a fridge full of vodka or my always missing driver's license? Know what I mean!!! Ha, ha!
Let's see the next card!
Ho, ho! It's a quartet of Kenley Jansen cards! Some pretty snazzy ones, too! Super sky point for those cards, Kenley! Hey, I just made up that phrase, Jim, think I can get a patent on it?
What do you mean people have been saying it for years?
I've never heard ANYONE say that! I'm going to sue the pants off of anyone who says that including you Jim!
Let's see who is taking on the Super Sky Point Jansen Quartet.
Ah that's a sharp Big League goldie of Clayton Kershaw! Super Sky Point for that gold Kershaw card! And Super Sky Point to me for inventing that phrase!
Jim, you have your head in your hands again. Ah, it's just like old times! Good times!!!!
Let's see the winner of this round!
Yes! It's Golden Kershaw. That''s a Super Sky Point of a card!
OK, let me get a sip of my Super Magic Juice before we see the next card! Ha, ha!
OK! It's that a guy who wrote a book! I hear it was pretty good! I don't know. I don't read a lot of books! Too busy pounding Budweisers! Ha, ha!
Let's see who Mr. Bouton is facing.
Whoa, it appears that these Allen & Ginter cards are GLOWING! Am I having a flashback, Jim? I swear I only took my usual 57 pills before walking into the studio this afternoon!
Jim tells me that these are shiny parallels from last year's A&G set! I think even someone as dumb as me, who still rents out a basement in his mother's house when times get tough, realizes that these cards are pointless!!!!
But let's see what the Game Show gods say!
OK! It's Mr. Smarty Pants I Wrote A Book! All right that's another line for your resume Mr. Bouton!
Time to reveal the next card!
What is this Jim? Is this some kind of joke??? Are you saying any monkey can host this show??? Because if you are, I will remind you that the show operators have given me back the power to have your lunch break trimmed from 45 to 40 minutes!!!!
Sorry it had to get ugly there, audience. Let's see the next card!
Ooh, it's a super shiny, some kind of Mega Box card of future Dodger ace, Walker Buehler. I like this card a lot! Much more than the monkey card!
I'm hoping the right card comes out of this fight!
And it does! I still have some pull in this operation!
We're ready for the next card! Wow, this is a lot of work! How did I do this five years ago? A lot of booze that's how! Ha ha!
Oh, that's a beauty! Now that Puig is not a Dodger all the jersey cards start popping up!! Let's see what card will challenge this nifty item!
Oh, I love this card, too. The Timeless Teams set is a classic and there aren't many that I still need for the set!! Nobody thinks of ol' Jesse Orosco as a Dodger, but he did some of his finest work with them!
And the winner is! ...
Our man Puig! Please be nice to the Dodgers this year, Puig!! Ha! Ha! I'm saying I want you to stink!! Please do that for me!
Next WTBCITP matchup!
My goodness. I ... Jim ... did you dig up my photo from my old slo-pitch softball days? How did it get on a card? Oh, Jim, I'm very angry about this. Nobody was supposed to see that photo!! I'm trying to protect my suave and sophisticated image and you've gone and ruined it!!
Let's see the card that will challenge this scurrilous card!
Whoa! Now THAT is a flashback in a card, isn't it!!! I think I might try to sniff that card for a buzz!! Ha, ha!! Why is everyone recoiling!!!! Drug humor is always in!!! Ha, ha!
OK, time to see the winner!!!
Urrrgh! This matchup makes me so angry!!! I would officially like to throw this show so this card doesn't win! How do I make that happen!
Jim tells me that throwing game shows is not a good practice! Oh, that goody, goody Jim. Fine, Jim, show me the next card.
You might think these are boring old Stadium Club cards from 1991, but no!!!!!!!
They are pre-production samples with Jose Canseco's picture on the back! Well, this is weird, wild stuff isn't it? I'm not going to tell you about how Canseco stole my girlfriend but it makes me MAD! Mad, I tell you!
Let's see the card that challenges that Canseco!!!!
Hey, it's one of the oldest contestants we've had on WTBCITP!!!!! A 1964 Ron Perranoski! Now that's a card!!!
Who's the winner?????
That's damn right! The '64 Perranoski!!! It doesn't have any bells and whistles, Jim! None of your technogadgets that you love so much!!!! Just, plain, straight-ahead cardboard!!!!!!
We've got another matchup!!!! Let's goooooooooo!!!!!!!
YES!!!! Good times! Hostess card from the '70s!!! Here is a matchup from the 1974 World Series!!!! Oh what a great time!! I was IN MY ELEMENT at that time, Jim! A three-carton-a-day habit and I loved it!!!! Ha, ha!
The card to challenge that glorious duo is ....!!!!!!!
Jim and producers of this show: Monty Hall and I cannot share the same stage together. I HAD A SHOT AT "LET'S MAKE A DEAL" AND HE UNDERCUT ME!!!!! SPIKED MY DRINK AS I WAS GOING TO THE AUDITION!!!!
Well, no, I can't prove that, but how did I end up in the gutter when I was supposed to be auditioning??
No, YOU HAVE THE DRINKING PROBLEM, JIM!
I better not see the Hall joker win!
That's better. A nice respectful card of a fine, upstanding individual. That's what this show is all about!!
OK, so we're done with the first round?
Isn't this fun!!!!! I see the audience is down to three!!! Ha, ha!! And I'm really out of breath!!!! ... Jim, get my my inhaler!
We'll be back after this message!!!!
HA! HA! WE'RE BACK!!!
That was bonkers!!! Ha! Ha!
OK, we've moved on to the quarterfinal round! I've sucked on the inhaler and a few of my special cigarettes and I'm ready to GO!!!!!!! Ha, ha! The room isn't spinning anymore!!!!
So let's see that first card for the second round!
Ah, yes, midnight Jamie! Whatever happened to you Jamie? I hope you didn't end up on the wrong side of the tracks. If so, I can probably give you a few pointers. My first one will be don't eat everything you see on the ground! Ha, ha! I learned that one the hard way!!!!
OK, never mind that, let's get to midnight Jamie's competitor!
It's goldie Kersh. Loving this card! We'll spend all spring training worrying about Kersh's arm, but at least we have cards like this to take our minds off all that misery, right! Cards and booze make the pain go away!
And let's see that winner!
Of course! It's goldie Kershaw! Ah, this card reminds me of gold and cash and money!!!! Where's my advance, Jim? Go see about my advance! I'm not doing this for my health! Ha, ha!!!
On to the next card!!!
Right, Super Smart Man Jim Bouton. Who is he going to face with all of his book-writing skills?
It's BUEHLER! Ha, ha, I love that movie! Buehler, Buehler, Buehler. I bet he's never heard that before!!!
Who comes out the winner this time?
Hmmm, it's the book guy. OK, I can appreciate an old-timey looking card and an old-timey team!
We're moving quickly now! My heart is beating pitter-pat! Ha, ha! Getting a bit woozy! See if we can get a doctor here, Jim, OK???
PUIGGGG!!!!!!!!!! Fabulous! Who doesn't love a piece of uniform attached to a card!!!!!!! This is practically unbeatable!
Oh, my. This thing. It makes me so uncomfortable. Can you please not show it so large, Jim?
Hurry, let's see the winner, here:
Oh, no! IT WON AGAIN??? This card is haunting me! Mom, why did you have to take that picture of me???
Quick, let's see the next quarterfinal matchup!
Much better. Good old vintage. And I mean OLD!
Let's see who tough guy Ron takes on:
More toughness! It's Hostess Holtzman (and Hostess Garvey). Well this will be quite the vintage battle!
And the winner is ...
Yes. It's Hostess vintage. Because Jim says I own the Perranoski card already. That Jim knows a little too much about my collection. Pay attention to your own beezwax, Jim!!!
And that's the end of the quarterfinals!!! I need another breather!
Can we do two commercials this time?
See you on the other side! I think!!!
Sweaty guys showering, Jim? That's what you give me for commercials? I don't know about you.
ANYWAY! On to the semifinals. Wow this show is long!
It's goldie Kershaw!
He faces ...
And the winner ...
The next semifinal!
Ugh. That thing.
Get it away, Jim. Let's see the next card:
Phew, it's Hostess Garv.
And the winner:
Oh, no. This thing is going to finals???? What has happened to this show, Jim?
I need a commercial break to sort this all out.
Ah, Fresca! Those were the days, Jim!!!
You don't remember Fresca???
Of course you don't. You've got all your new age drinks, don't you? Well, good for you. I'll be over here drinking my man's drink. My Fresca!
TIME FOR THE FINALS, AUDIENCE!
On one side, we have Bookie McBookerson Bouton.
On the other side we have this card that doesn't look like me at all!
AND THE BEST CARD IN THE PACKAGE IS ....
Oh, for goodness sake.
I'm never doing this show again.
Nope. Never again.
You can raise my pay to 3 bucks an hour, I'm still not doing it! I have too much self-respect!!!! Everyone is watching Cash Cab anyway!
I'm out of here.
(Note: There were many other great cards as well. Thanks to anyone who got through this -- there's a reason I haven't done one of these in five years. And thanks, Nick!)