Thursday, June 23, 2011

Summer replacement series ...


Hi. My name is Jim.

If you've seen this show before, you know that I'm the guy who helps out "What's the Best Card in the Package" host Night Owl as we take a half hour out of your lives to show you the best card in the package.

I basically run the whole show. Night Owl hogs the spotlight because that's just the kind of guy he is -- he's basically a jerk -- but I'm the one who does all the work.

Anyway, you might remember Night Owl talking about how he lives in a pretty dicey part of town and there are young toughs waiting to beat him up. Well, it happened. Night Owl's recovering in a hospital bed right now. He'll be out in a few days, but it's going to be just liquids for awhile. They talked about postponing WTBCITP until he was ready to talk again, but this production schedule is relentless and ... well, here I am.

I'm not the game show type and I can't run the equipment and stay on camera at the same time, so you're just going to have to bear with me.

OK.

(*ahem*)

Um ... everybody ready to see the best card in the package ... I mean follow along with me as we figure out the best card. Is that right? Did I say that right?

(silence)

OK. Whatever. Let's look at a card.


There's a guy running. ... I forgot to tell you, I'm not really a baseball fan. In fact, I don't like sports at all. I don't even get the whole collecting thing.

Anyway, it's a guy running. Looks like he's moving pretty fast. Let's see the other card.


Wow. That's a big head. ... OK, I know who this guy is, Jackie Robinson. And just based on that, that's the card that's going to advance.

Oh, wait ... I have to show the card again ...

Just a minute ...

Stupid show procedures ...


OK. There it is again. Everyone remember that one? It was so long ago. God, the show treats its audience like morons.

All right, I guess I have to show another one here.


OK. This is a card made to look like some kind of painting. I think. The player looks all squinty and Canadian. I don't know what that rookie logo is. It looks like a pest control logo.

OK, I'm rambling. I don't want to be accused of being like Night Owl.

Here's another card.


Hey, that's fancy. And I think I've heard of this guy, too. Sandy Koofex, right? OK, so Koofex is going to advance because I've heard of him.

Oh, geez, I've got to show the card again.


There you go. Happy?


Whoops, there's another card! I loaded them too quickly or something. So ... uh ... what to say? Um, I know that Night Owl freaked out over these shiny blue cards. He said they were the best refractors ever. Whatever that means. He's got some sort of blue fetish.


Devin? Da-von? White? Whatever. It looks like Davon thinks something stinks. He's probably smelling my hosting talents.

Well, I'm going to advance the blue shiny card for Night Owl. I don't know why. It's not like he ever treated me well. "Do this, do that, stay away from my girlfriend." But I guess I'm just too nice a guy.


There you go. I remembered to show the card again, too.


I'm such an idiot. I forgot to tell you that these cards tonight are from Greg L. of Nearly Mint. I'm pretty sure we featured his cards on WTBCITP once before. So that makes him the first two-time WTBCITP participant. Night Owl would fly the coop over something like that. But I really don't give an asswipe. So, yeah, whatever.

Um, this is a card of the same guy wearing two different uniforms. Apparently nobody ever thought he could do that.


Here's a guy standing with his hands on his knees. The bottom of the card is blurry.


I'm going with the guy in two different uniforms. Blurry photos aren't good. Yeah, whatever.


Uh ... I know nothing about baseball, but do they really stand like that THAT close to each other? ...You collectors are really strange.

Oops, making fun of the audience isn't good. Even I know that. But, wow.


There's a happier card. I like this card better. So this card gets to advance.

(*sigh*) I know, I know, show the card.

So help me, I'm going to rip this earpiece right out ...


There. Card.


How many more of these cards do we have? I always thought this show was too long, but nobody ever listens to me. "Just shut up and do your job." If I've been told that once, I've been told it ... anyway here's a card of someone named Dazzy. I'm sure they just made that up.


Another one of those fancy things. But we've already seen one of these. So the Dazzy card wins. Just because I know there's nobody who ever had that name.


Dazzy. And I know you're not real.


So, I'm starting to run out of things to say. Uh, here's a guy named Cesar. He, uh ...

Hold on.

(checks cell phone).

Uh, Night Owl just texted me. I didn't know that was possible, with the broken hands and all.

He says that there are supposed to be signatures on these Bowman cards and this one doesn't have a signature.

OK, whatever.

Uh, he also says: "show ... sum ... more ... enthusiasm, dumbass."

Nice.

I hope the toughs find him again.

All right, on with the show.

Another card to take on Cesar With No Signature.


Wow. That's pretty fancy. Not crazy about that color of green. But it's lot more interesting than that other card.


Hidee Hidey Nomo wins. Good for you, Hidee.


God. More cards!! How many are there? I'm dying up here. Can't we get someone from the audience to finish this?

OK, fine.

Here is ...

What? Another text. Geez ...

(checks phone)

Night Owl says how strange it is that there would be a card recognizing a player for giving up a record home run.

OK. I don't know what that means. But I know I'm probably going to advance the card anyway just because that jerk keeps interrupting me.


Oh.

Never mind. This card looks really old. It's just a head. That would mean I have two cards of just heads and they might face each other in the final. Head-to-head. Get it?

Plus the guy is named Randy Jackson. Like that guy on American Idol.

That's cool.


You got to be in it to win it, dawg! On to the second round with you!

Hey, that's the end of the first round.

Wow. So I get a break now, right?

What? I have to do the commercials AND host? I'm not getting paid for both!

(*grumble, grumble*)

All right, fine. You guys always want some sort of '70s crap with your commercials right? I don't even know why you like this garbage. It's so, OLD. And it's stupid. Can't we show something from the '90s just once? I mean I can't even find any commercials for video games ...

Fine. Let me see what I can find here ...

(This is where you pretend to view a video of a Lucky Charms commercial from the '70s, which I cannot show here because it may or may not feature embeded malware. Oh, happy day).

A magical elf. Whoopee. Best I could do.

OK, time for round 2.

Can I get some water first?

Pick up the pace??? There's like 4 people in the audience. They can wait.

Slave drivers. I don't even think Night Owl is hurt. He probably faked his injuries to get away from you guys!


Hey! There's the first card. I wasn't expecting that so soon! I guess they really want me to get moving.

It's Jackie with the big head.


And there's fancy Koofex.

Well, sorry Koofex, but I'm going with the giant head Jackie.


There he is again.


That's the shiny blue thing that Night Owl likes.


And there's one guy in two uniforms.

Sorry, Night Owl, I'm going with the Dodger-Padre guy.


Who Would have Thought? Right? Me up here doing a show about trading cards.


OK, moving on quickly. There's a happy guy.


And there's that fake Dazzy guy.


Fake Dazzy is still hanging in there, because I like fiction. Reality hurts. You think Night Owl's life is pathetic, you should see my apartment some time. Uh, wait. Scratch that. I can't let you in my apartment.


Moving on. Last matchup of the second round. This ugly green thing.


And another big head card of The Dawg.


Woof! Randy is still bringing it! He wins.

On to round 3.

Hey! You got the commercial loaded up?

I have to do it again????? Oh this is bull ...

(This is where you pretend to view the Josie and the Pussycats cartoon opening from the '70s. I know, I'm as broken up as you are that you can't view J & the P on my blog, especially since Mark A. commented about the video in the comments. But it's not my fault. It's those youtube party-poopers throwing the malware around).

All right, that was a cartoon, not a commercial. Sorry about that. Had to stay in the '70s. I've got a whole stack of modern commercials, but you don't want to see anything halfway coherent.

(*sigh*) Round 3.

If I make it.


Giant Jackie.


Who Would Have Thought?


The Giant Jackie wins because I said so.


Fake Dazzy.


The Big Dawg.


Big Dawg moves on!

All right, we have the final! I'm almost DONE!

God! ANOTHER commercial???

I am so sick of this. I'm not doing this again, OK? If Night Owl gets beat up again, you're just going to have to find someone else. I'm going to the union about this. I'm serious this time.


(Once, there was a 3 Musketeers '70s commercial here. Then there was a Big Wheels '70s commercial here. Now there is nothing, because somebody and their malware has ruined it for the rest of us. No more videos, boys and girls. Sorry).

There, I found one without cartoons. See? I have a life.

(looks in the audience)

There is one person out there!

Fine, for the one person out there and the rest of you in TV land.


Here's finalist No. 1.


Here's finalist No. 2.

Just how I arranged it. Like I said, I run the show.

The winner will be:


I just like it because it's really old.

I hear collectors like that, too.

Well, some of them.

Ta-da. Show's over.

OK, guys. Listen. I'm never doing this again. Get somebody else to do this for you. Get better Night Owl. Now.

Adios.

(Pretend to see Jeopardy closing credits video from the '70s).

3 comments:

  1. For whatever reason, when I read this I heard the voice of Randall, the guy that does the narration on the Crazy Nastya** Honey Badger video.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm honored to be the first person to receive the WTBCITP treatment twice. I have to admit, though, I spent the entire post thinking that you were really beat up by some vicious "young toughs." Oh, and I have another small package sitting here for you, but I haven't found a post office yet because new towns are confusing. Or maybe I'm just waiting to hit up the local card shops before mailing off such a meager envelope.

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  3. Josie and the Pussycats. Sweet. As soon as I saw Randy Jackson I knew he was the winner.

    ReplyDelete