Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Don't touch that dial ...

... because it's time for ...


That's right, ladies and gentlemen, collectors and collectesses! It's time for another edition of "What's the Best Card in the Package"!

You didn't think we'd go away forever, did you? This is sweeps month! The best that TV has to offer! And in game show land there is nothing more riveting than WTBCITP!

Isn't that right audience?

I said, ISN'T THAT RIGHT AUDIENCE?????

Haha! That's better! We need a lively crowd for today's show, because this is one hell of a package! It comes from Greg of Nearly Mint and he certainly outdid himself with tonight's offering! I could barely whittle it down to 16 cards for the show!!

But as you know, we need just 16 cards to determine a winner in WTBCITP. The show is long enough as it is. So let's get right to it!!!!!

After this! ...



HEY!!!! Crazy bird! Crazy bird!

We're ready to go with the first card of the most fascinating card package countdown in the world!

Jim, no pressure, but show everyone the first card!


It's a serial-numbered, triple-threaded card of Matt Kemp! Wooooo! What a fancy-looking card! It's so high end that it demanded its own hotel room!

Hey! I crack myself up!

Jim, who is going to take on this self-absorbed card?!


All right! A Sweet Spot Classic card of the one-and-only Maury Wills! We LOVE Maury on this show, don't we?

In fact, we love him so much that ...


We're sending him on to the next round! That's right! Maury has stolen the first round right from under Matt Kemp, who was too busy looking around for babes to bag!

Oh!!! Did the host just say that??!! Ha! Ha! I'm going to get letters tomorrow!!

Sorry, kids. Let's get this show back on track. Jim, show us the next card!


Excellent! It's a former Nebulous 9 need of a Dodger prospect who went nowhere, Tony Brewer! Brewer ended up in Japan, which is where this game show will end up if YOU DON'T WATCH!!!

Haha! That's the host laying a little guilt trip on the audience there! But don't believe me! Don't believe me! We're NEVER going away. USA, baby!

Anyway, let's see who Brewer is going to face ...


What's this? Another Brewer? Oh, that is wild! WILD, I say! Who thinks up these things? I'll tell you who! The staff at WTBCITP, that's who!!! We have the finest production staff in the country! Hundreds and hundreds of employees!! You think there's only one person putting on this show? That's crazy talk!

But on with the show -- I'm going on some tangents tonight!

The winner of Brewer vs. Brewer is ...


3-D BREWER! 3-D beats black border any day!!!! Welcome to the second round, Jim!

No, not you, Jim. I meant Jim Brewer. Why would I be welcoming you? I see you every day. I'm really sick of your face, too!

But anyway ... haha ... that's game show studio humor, people! Laugh along!!!

Moving on! Moving on!

Jim, are you done pouting? OK, let's see the next card ...


Well! This is fantastic! This is a 1958 Topps card of Don Demeter. And it's the first of back-to-back cards of Demeter with the exact same photo! I should know because I received the 1959 one a little while ago!

Let's take a look at Demeter's competition!


It's one of those 1990s fake-wood cards from Leaf! Raul Mondesi is "handcrafted," whatever that means!

I think I know who's going to win this one, but Jim makes it official. So, show us what we've got, Jim!


Mr. Demeter step right over here to the second round!! You've advanced!!!

The first round is in full swing and no one is going home yet!!! That's because everyone has been tied down in their seats!!! ... No, that's not true! I kid! Everyone is here of their own free will!!!! Whooping it up and having a terrific time!!! No one's thinking about going anywhere else, are they?

Haha! All right, all right!

Next card, Jim!


Now, now! That's a special card!! A jersey card of today's Dodger shortstop Rafael Furcal! We love Raffy, don't we? He's an awesome player when he's not falling to pieces, which happens every year!!! But that's me getting cynical again!

We need another card to snap me out of my funk!


It's an SP card of Dodger flunkie prospect Roger Cedeno!! This is one of 946 cards of Cedeno produced in the mid-1990s! But it sure is a great one, isn't it?

Is it great enough to knock off a jersey card?


YES!!! We're all about the picture here at "Best Card," not a piece of fabric! The picture rules! Congratulations Roger Cedeno card!!!

OK, I'm getting a little weary and we're not even halfway through this thing!! Jim, get me some beer ... I mean, water. Water! Haha! Beer, I'm such a kidder!!

Here is the next great card ...


Oh boy, it's a Hideo Nomo card that we've never seen before! That usually is enough to move the card on to the next round!

But the motto around here at "Best Card" is Expect the Unexpected! That's right! We're the first ones to ever come up with that phrase! Isn't it great!!!! So, let's get ready for something unexpected!!!

Jim?


WOW! Jim comes through! This is a high-numbered 1972 card of Willie Crawford! A greatly needed card!!!!

Didn't I tell you, audience? Expect the unexpected!!!!

So, the winner is ...



Willie! Expect the Unexpected, but don't get TOO crazy. A '72 card almost always advances!

OK, Jim has gotten me my drink, and I'm feeling reinvigorated as we approach the closing moments of round one. I can feel the energy from the audience. They're pulling me through on this, and I thank each and every one of you. You're beautiful, beautiful people. I love each and every one of you, especially you ma'am, the shapely one in the second ro ... hey, Jim what's in this drink?

Ha! Ha! Joking again! You need levity in a game show! Hit me with a card, Jim!


I've been hit!!! Ha! Ha! What a beauty this is. You can't go wrong with a 1959 Topps card, can you? Especially when the card says the player is "Don" but he signs himself as "Fred"! Zaniness!

Who is Don/Fred going to face, Jim?


Ooooh! Oooh! This might be the best first-round matchup in the history of WTBCITP! I'm sure glad I don't have to choose who advances in this one! I'm leaving it up to the mysterious force out there that decides these things for me!!!

So, mysterious force, who wins the matchup between a 1959 card and a 1958 card?


OF COURSE! It's the 1959 card!! Who can stand all that yellow? Welcome to Round 2, Don/Fred!!

We're churning along here. They're busy getting the set ready for Round 2, but we've still got some thrilling matchups left in Round 1.

Jim, stop looking half-asleep and hand me the next card!


Well, well! A golden, shiny card of Mr. Kemp! You don't even notice that he's standing capless in front of a penitentiary!!! That is snazzy.

Who is golden Kemp going to face?


It's a swatch card of Steve "Popeye" Garvey!!!! But ... wait, what's that? Is that a brown swatch?

Yes, it is! It's a piece of swatch from a jersey when Garvey was a Padre, displayed with a photo of Garvey as a Dodger! That is Upper Deck insanity!!!!!

Well, I've been accused of drinking on the set, but I think a few people in the Upper Deck board room were drinking when they put together that card!!!

But let's go ahead and see which card advances. ...


It's an upset! The Garvey Dodger-Padre monstrosity wins on the audacity factor alone! Expect the Unexpected!

Oh, this is a wacky game show! Wacky game show!

One last matchup before we get to round 2. Here it is:


Very cool! It's a '73 Rookie card, featuring Davey Lopes' first card. That is a pretty nice specimen there!

Who gets to take on this fine card?


It's a 1971 Brooks Robinson! WOW! This is one of the key cards needed for the set! What a terrific card!

Need I even reveal which card advances?


Of course, it's Brooks! Lopes is sharing  his card with Larvell Blanks! It's never going to advance doing that!

All right! Nice work everyone on Round 1! Even you Jim!

And with that, we're on to Round 2!

But first, this ...



WELCOME BACK!!!!!

We've toweled off and we're fresh and ready to go for Round 2.

We saw some great cards in Round 1, but there are only eight left and only one card gets to be ... audience?

THE BEST CARD IN THE PACKAGE!!!!!

All right!!!! We're ready to go. First card of Round 2, Jim!


It's Maury, and he's ready to take third on you! Who is going to try to tag him out?


It's 3-D Brewer!!! Brewer wasn't the player that Wills was, but that's not what's important in WTBCITP. So let's see who wins this one!


3-D is where it's at, man! Haven't you been to the movies lately? Nice work, Super Star Brewer!!

What's next, Jim?


Don Demeter is still beaming proudly over his advancing to Round 2. Will he have a bigger smile after this matchup?

Let's see his competition ...


It's Roger Cedeno showing you around Dodger Stadium! Still a great card, but I don't think a '90s card is any match for a '50 card.

Ooops, I think I just blurted out the answer, didn't I?


Dandy Don, you're a winner! Keep on smiling!!!

Jim, I'm starting to sweat again. Let's pick up the pace. Show me the next card. Quickly now!


Yes, that great high-numbered Crawford card. Who dares to take on Willie?


It's Don/Fred!!!

What's that Jim?

His real first name is Fred? His middle name is Donald?

Jim, you're a real spoil sport!!

I was having fun calling him Don/Fred!

I come out here night after night, and all I ask for is a little fun to get me through the show and you ruin it for me. That's it, Jim, no Christmas bonus for you!

Hey! Audience, you didn't hear any of that did you?

Haha! That was just a little acting Jim and I do!! We have a great time up here.

Anyway, Jim Who's Not Getting Anything for Christmas, show us the winner!!


Of course! It's Don ... Fred! Sorry, Jim, I can't help it!

OK, last matchup for Round 2! Bring it on!


Oh, gracious. It's that Dodger-Padre thing again. I know I was thrilled about expecting the unexpected, but this card is starting to make me feel queasy now.

Is there anything that can get it out of my sight?


Brooksy! Yes, indeed, Brooksy! I know you're good enough to beat that Dodger-Padre disaster! I realize it looks like you just struck out or fouled weakly, but that doesn't matter, does it?

Does it?


Of course it doesn't! Brooks moves on to the semifinals. Yay! I'm going to do a happy dance right here on the stage and no one can stop me because I'm the host!

See ya in the semifinals!!!!

After this message ...



THANKS FOR STICKING AROUND!!!!

No, really, thanks. I know you have jobs and families and responsibilities and everything. I'm just a pathetic game show host trying to make a buck. I have no family. I live in a one-room apartment downtown. Toughs beat me up in the alley on the way back home from work every night. My dog hates me. You're all I have ...

But before I start crying ... let's GET TO THE SEMIFINALS!!

Here is the first semifinal card:


3-D Brewer has made it this far based on nostalgia alone! Haven't you seen all the commercials on this show? The '70s rule. But let's see if it's enough to get past this card ...


Dandy Don! This is a challenging one. The 1958 set is not a pretty one. But it still IS the 1950s.

Time to close our eyes and pick ...


3-D Brewer just will not die!!! Plus, I was getting sick of looking at Demeter's double-chin! Nice work, Brewer, you've reached the final of WTBCITP!!!!

Let's see who your opponent will be.


Don ... Fred ... ha! ha! Bessent is back! Jim just informed me that his nickname is "The Weasel," which I like even better than Don/Fred!

Who will The Weasel face!


Brooks, who dots the "I" in his name with a cute little circle! But we're going to ignore that because it makes us not like the card as much.

Ignoring the "I" dot, who wins this matchup?


Brooks! Because getting card No. 300 from an early 1970s set is tremendous!

So, we're down to our two finalists. Here they are once more:


That is one terrific early 1970s matchup, and I can't wait to find out which card is the Best Card in the Package.

But I must leave you dangling once again ...



Hmmm ... beer shampoo? Hey, Jim, do they still make ...

HEY, WE'RE BACK!!!

It's the moment we've all waited for ... and the operative word there is "waited"! Haha!

But no more messing around here. It's time to view the Best Card in the Package of awesomeness created by Greg of Nearly Mint.

Here is the winner!


Believe it or not, Brooks beat out all those Dodgers. I guess the mysterious force running this thing is a set collector for real!

Congratulations to 1971 Topps Brooks Robinson, the Best Card In the Package!

Thanks for watching! I can't guarantee a fourth version of WTBCITP! It's brutal to put together and the toughs in the alley might finish me off before we can get another one in the can!

On that happy note, GOOD NIGHT!

4 comments:

  1. Is there a home version of this game?

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  2. This post is insane. I went back to reread it on my phone and my thumb cramped up from all the scrolling. Well done.

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  3. That is funny. I'd like to see that on YouTube.

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  4. that's a pack chock full o'awesome

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