Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Way to freak me out, U.S. Postal Service

I pulled an envelope with my own writing on it from the mailbox the other day.

In the giddy old days of my first foray into TTM autograph hunting, that would mean someone had signed a card for me and returned it. But I decided TTM really wasn't for me -- the disappointment was just too much for something that's only a hobby. So I rarely receive envelopes featuring my own writing anymore.

Besides, this envelope was different. It was wrapped in a clear plastic bag, like those that you see wrapped around newspapers.

There's the bag now. Look at all the festive words leaping off the plastic.

"Damaged," "Inconvenience," "Apologies," "Regret," "Constantly Striving," "Milwaukee."

Ah, I feel like a party. How 'bout you?

I attempted to read the message intended for me, the "dear postal customer," but I couldn't remove the white sheet inside the plastic. It was attached to the plastic, and the note was folded over on itself. So to read it, I had to keep shifting the plastic around. I batted that bag around for awhile trying to read the entire note. I felt like a little kitty cat. Once, I turned it inside out, trying to read it. It was kind of fun, in a really, really lame kind of way.

But when I was done reading it, I didn't feel like partying anymore.

"We hope this incident did not inconvenience you."

-- I think pretty much anything termed an "incident" has inconvenienced me.

"We realize your mail is important to you and you have every right to expect it to be delivered in good condition."

-- Thank you for validating my feelings, person I do not know.

"We hope you understand."

-- Well, let's have a look at the envelope before we talk about Understanding, shall we?

To start with, I'm not crazy about that hole in the envelope at bottom center. And the tightly packed wrinkles on the right side are more than questionable. That also happens to be the side where I can feel the contents of the envelope.

These were my goodies from Thorzul's Trade Me Anything posts. Sending him a PWE is a prerequisite of getting those goodies.

Getting them with a hand-wringing apology from the USPS wasn't part of the deal. And, just a note in the event of future correspondence: I'm not particularly fond of any conversation that begins with "we sincerely regret." Might want to work on that opening.

Totally bummed, I opened the envelope more carefully than the post office handles mail.

This is what came out:

My two cards in top loaders, taped for my protection in the unlikely event that the envelope would become damaged in transit by savages who poke holes and then type apologies including phrases like "expeditious distribution."

The cards appeared to be in decent shape, but I wouldn't know for sure until I removed them from the top loaders.

It turns out they're in perfect shape. Unharmed by envelope wrinkles or apologetic notes.


Everything is cool, post office dudes.

But way to throw off the alarmist vibe there.

(Hey, wait, my Campy has a nicked corner ...)


  1. That's better than the "Dear Sir or Madam" Letter they sent me along with the ttm returned hand written envelope that looked like it was cut open with a knife and it was a ttm card that I sent out originally. The standard player note was in there from the player (Chipper Jones) but the card was missing. The postmaster was little to no help at all with it and just gave me the standard, "sorry but if you fill out this form it will make it look like we care". They did that 6yrs ago and I still hate the Post Office yet. No Christmas card for them again this year!

  2. If there is anything I hate, it's USPS body bags, but I'm glad your body bag had cards inside it with a good outcome.

  3. Those bags are the worst. But you sure turned it into one heluva entertaining story.

  4. I think I will write a post about this as it continues to happen...

    you cannot put top loaders in PWE for all PWe's go through machines to be sorted. The top loaders don't bend and gum up the machine.

    all bubbleopes are sorted by hand...