I suppose I need to update those preseason predictions that I made back in March. After all, I had all of Vegas hanging on my every word when I "predicted" a Royals-Dodgers World Series.
I think I threw a few people with that one. I hope you didn't lose your shirts putting money down. Because if you did, you missed out on a crucial aspect of the predictions: they weren't real.
I happen to think preseason prognosticating is taken way too seriously. I mean stuff like that is supposed to be fun. But people have gotten too hyped up over it. So I've stopped putting any thought into trying to predict the future when it comes to most things, but especially when it comes to who is going to win baseball pennants.
But sometimes you've got to keep the people happy. So with a little more than a month left in the season, I am providing my updated predictions. These are all based on what I WANT to happen. You know, like, what would happen if Night Owl suddenly became ruler of the world (in which case Alyssa Milano and danish pastries also would play a very key role).
Bad news, Kansas City. You're not going to the World Series anymore:
AL East: I still like the Red Sox way more than the Darth Vaders, but I'm just tired of the Sox. So if the Vaders end up winning the division, I can handle that. I'm rusty when it comes to whipping food at players I hate when they appear on my TV. I could use the target practice.
AL Central: No issues with anyone here. But I did a little foreshadowing with the night card up there. I like Verlander and he's doing well, so let's see if the Tigers can mess with the Yankees' heads again.
AL West: Rangers stage a huge rally and overtake the Angels, who end up winning the wild card, because if I have to endure even the slightest possibility that there is another Yankees-Red Sox postseason series, meaning each game will last 5 hours and 26 minutes, I may just switch over to see how the Texans-Lions game is going.
NL East: As much as I'd love to see the Marlins fill their stadium again, I don't think they or the Braves are catching the Phillies. I can handle the Phillies in the postseason again. Maybe they can get Joe Blanton and Matt Stairs to actually drink beer when they're on the field. That would make things a bit more intriguing/dicey.
NL Central: No one's catching the Cardinals. Even if I ruled the world, they'd still win the division. I might have been tempted to pick the Brewers, but that was before Prince Fielder tried to test out his gangster moves in the Dodgers locker room.
NL West: OK, this is how it's going to go: The Rockies are going to pitch Josh Fogg in every single game for the rest of the season. And the Dodgers will win the division by 20. The Rockies' collapse will be so contagious that it will take down the Giants, too. And somehow the Marlins will sneak into the wild-card spot.
1. Rangers will beat the Yankees, who will puzzle and puzzle 'til their puzzler is sore about how all that money didn't buy them a pennant again. In a scandalous news conference, Mark Teixeira will admit that Don Mattingly was never his favorite player.
2. Tigers will beat the Angels. I'm really trying to find something to say about this series. All I can think of is Mike Scioscia likes Italian food and Jim Leyland likes cigarettes. Hey, I took the car to the garage at 8 this morning. I'm fried.
3. Rangers will beat the Tigers. I want to see those Rangers pitchers in the World Series. Rangers pitchers in the Series! That would blow my mind.
1. Dodgers will beat the Marlins. If these two teams played each other, it would freak me out (who am I kidding, I'm freaked out by any team that plays the Dodgers in the postseason). But in this scenario, L.A. squishes the fish.
2. Phillies will beat the Cardinals. I can't take seeing La Russa replace a pitcher every third of an inning. I know everyone does it now. But it irks me more when he does it. And then he'll bat the pitcher 8th, and Tim McCarver will have to talk about it for four innings.
3. Dodgers will beat the Phillies. Matt Stairs has a prior commitment to a beer softball tournament and can't play in the NLCS. Jayson Werth strikes out a record 17 times and the Dodgers win in five. Yeah, I'm giving the Phillies one. It's not the postseason without a little angst.
Dodgers vs. the Rangers. Ooh, I like this matchup. Dodgers win in 5, despite Josh Hamilton's name being mentioned 884 times an hour by Fox.
So, there you are. It could happen, right? Sure it could.
Hey, Alyssa, that's not the last croissant is it?